Imagine sitting in a theater in Sun Prairie, being the only theater in the greater Madison area showing “Pan,” a dumpster fire of a movie. Imagine that you don’t really like Peter Pan that much to begin with, and that the vitriolic reviews this movie has received do not exactly inspire confidence.

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And then imagine that as you sit there, watching an ostensible prequel to Peter Pan, which is set in what appears to now be World War II or the Cold War, you suddenly hear an a cappella rendition of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

I really wish I was kidding.

“Pan,” starring unknown Australian Levi Miller as the titular Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up, is quite bad. Pan is a bad, bad, bad movie.

The aforementioned Nirvana is one of many issues, not the least of which is that they made the origin of Neverland a nefarious mining colony. Said mining colony is run by resident villain Blackbeard, played by Hugh Jackman (“Chappie”), who is trying far too hard.

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But, Jackman is the only cast member who needs to tone it down. Everyone else acts like a high school freshman in their first production. Miller’s inexperience is on display for the entire movie, with his utterance of “holy pudding!” in one of the opening scenes feeling hilariously incongruous.

Rooney Mara (“Carol”), the gorgeous white woman cast as, wait for it — Native American Princess Tiger Lily — spends the entire movie wondering if she left her acting talent on the set of “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” 

And then we have Captain Hook, played by the spectacularly dull Garrett Hedlund (“Mojave”). The writers characterize Hook as a winking, flirtatious rogue who always has a quip locked and loaded. The quips made my ears burn, as did Garrett Hedlund’s droning intonation.

In addition to the atrocious cast and performances, “Pan’s” plot is an absolute mess. Peter is kidnapped from an orphanage by flying pirates and taken to the mining colony of Neverland, where the aforementioned Nirvana occurs, much to my and the other six people in the theater’s chagrin. We are then introduced to “Pan’s” McGuffin: fairy dust.

Fairy dust serves as all-purpose plot sealant. It goes from allowing Blackbeard to be immortal to making Peter fly, with absolutely no explanation. The plot similarly bounces from finding Peter’s missing mother, to saving the fairy kingdom, to Tiger Lily and Hook’s “romance.” I put romance in sarcastic quotations because the extent of their romantic involvement is some stupidly awkward dialogue that the screenwriters clearly thought was adorable.

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In all honesty, the only really positive aspect of “Pan” was the really comfortable chair I got to sit in at the Sun Prairie theater. That was nice.

Beyond that, though, if “Pan’s” Neverland is second star to the right and straight on until morning, take the first exit to the left at sunset.