Satire: My predictions for Super Bowl LVIII were correct

The analysis no one asked for, but everyone needed

· Feb 12, 2024 Tweet

The Kelcinator lays down some lovestruck minor chords

Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

I don’t watch sports, it gives me the opportunity to start conversations at bars with the tried and true “I don’t watch sports” to let potential friends know that we are about to have a long and awkward conversation that ends once someone gets brave enough to scoot away.

But, when I returned to the office one morning to find the entire Badger Herald Ed Board wielding baseball bats and demanding that I cover the Super Bowl, I decided to cover the Super Bowl. In a panic I quickly did research into the two different teams, their strengths and weaknesses, and historical context to create a preliminary prediction about the outcome of the game.

And, as it turned out, I am right as usual, and my predictions were spot-on.

How will the 49ers defense fare against an in-form Patrick Mahomes?

Patrick Mahomes has done so much in the sport of football, he is a shoe in for the Hall of Fame, has some of the best pass completion statistics in the league and is capable of scrambling to make plays on the fly. But while his high playmaking intelligence and athleticism have done a great deal for him, his recent use of the eldritch summoning powers he obtained through his pact with State Farm Insurance Coven has added the final wrinkle to his elite game. How the Chiefs defensive line react when Patrick utters:

“Like a good neighbor State Farm is there — with a giant refrigerator to fall in front of this guy”

 — and State Farm apparates a giant refrigerator filled with tasty treats directly in front of their blitz was a key decider to shutting down the 49ers offense.

You’re gonna need insurance if he catches you with this

The effect of limited bathroom breaks

During the negotiations over the rules for the Super Bowl, the media has made very little deal of the fact that the Chiefs snuck in a clause that limits the amount of bathroom breaks for each team to three. It is well known that the 49ers are the most well-hydrated team in the league and need frequent bathroom breaks in order to avoid being distracted by the slight urge to pee. This tactical gave the Chiefs the advantage they need to take the win.

The Travis Kelce thing

Travis Kelce has been involved with a lot of public scrutiny recently in regards to the music industry. His latest singles “Love Love Love” and “Mambo No. 6” have been at the top of the charts for the last few weeks, and it has grown increasingly clear that he is at a crossroads in his career. The prospect of retiring to avoid brain damage in exchange for a career as a top 10 pop artist will weigh heavy on his mind — but wound up not becoming deciding factor in his performance. 

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