Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
In recent news of such actual importance that it feels like incompetence for coverage to be given to the more financially oriented banter section — the sun has announced that it will be taking a break from its usual job of shining down on Earth for a couple of weeks.
“In an increasingly results-based world it’s not just that I find it difficult to continue to justify my intense shining of radiation onto the increasingly over-radiated earth’s surface, but mostly I have an increasing backlog of movies I haven’t been able to watch as I rise in the morning to project onto everything,” the sun said.
Many people and things have had words to say about this, ranging from farmers to not farmers. Local not-farmer Julian “Tank” Ricardo-Benevidez Thomas III responded to the news as we kicked our way into the weird Memorial Library study-cage-thing he was trying to quietly do his work in.
“I actually have no real opinion on the loss of the sun at all, I don’t even see it most days anyways and when I do it really ruins the view of my TV,” Ricardo-Benevidez Thomas III said. “Frankly, I really support the sun if it takes its time off, maybe it could pick up some useful habits like watching educational PBS documentaries, learning to dance or smoking a lot of cigarettes.”
But local farmers have had differing opinions than their stuffy, city-folk contemporaries. Wearing a sun hat and having a chew on a rustic and delicious piece of unprocessed wheat, local farmer Joshua Heene shed a single tear as he looked over his patches of carrots. He took a deep breath and looked back toward us.
“I’m boned,” Heene said.
In order to support the slightly nervous farmers, the moon has offered to step in to provide a pale reflection of the sun’s light. But, only on a part time basis, as the moon (an intellectual) has been reading a lot of books recently and wants time to describe how good reading is to its pals.
The ocean has actually been rather excited about this development.
“Bro it’s getting hot in here and I can’t take off all my clothes due to my rampant case of beer belly, so a few days without the sun is primo in my opinion,” the ocean said.
The ocean, while definitely in need of some time to cool off, had seemed to have forgotten about the massive amounts of Phytoplankton that require consistent sunlight in order to sustain the base of the ecosystem it maintains. When asked about this topic the ocean responded with a jarring statement.
“Bro phytoplankton is microscopic does it really matter that much, you can’t even sea it.”