Satire: The US declares war on Aquaman

Technically Atlantis too

· Nov 30, 2023 Tweet

Jeremiah Frodl/The Badger Herald

Editor’s Note: This story is satirical

In news relating to entertainment and culture, the United States has made a recent declaration of war against benevolent and highly respected Lord of The Seas Aquaman, which has made waves in the international war scene. In an unexpected turn of events however, the war has been declared the first ever “no shooting allowed” war. Instead, in a more humane move, the United States has declared that the war be waged via tactical garbage and waste disposal directly into the ocean from the safety of land.

In order to better understand what could cause such a massive geopolitical event to occur and why the US is littering instead of just nuking the whales and calling it a day  The Badger Herald Elders awoke The Badger Herald banter section from the oxygen tents they sleep in to give themselves journalism powers and sent them groggily out into the streets for some newshounding.

A sign from pro nuclear intervention war activists.

Seeking help understanding what on Earth could cause such a massive change in the long standing healthy political alliance between Aquaman’s Underwater Kingdom of Atlantis and The United States of America we sought the assistance of avid Sid Meier’s Civilization V expert and friendly local game store clerk Timmy Jimmy.

“Yeah what you got here is just a plain old smart move, the US likes to keep what sociologists refer to as top dawg status in the world. For any number of possible reasons — possibly probably some sort of Atlantean sabotage the sea levels have been rising recently. The US can’t afford to surrender its precious coastal resources to another superpower. Atlantis gaining things like Portland’s forests, LA’s various smells and New York’s inner rage would be a massive game changer. Might as well destroy them before that happens.”

Certain sentient beings have found that in the modern trash based war there are as many opportunities for personal capital gain as there are in good, old fashioned classic war. Sentient recombinant sludge pool Glaaaarrrrphhhhh (pronounced Glaaaaaaaarrphh) has gone from merely a big fan of war to being promoted to War King by US President “Smokin” Joe Frazier. Explaining his decision, President Rogan said

“Okay so we were thinking, what if instead of nuking the oceans like any normal person would do, we figured we could do it with the trash we have right now. If we just feed all our trash to Glaaaarrrrphhhhh here, he will break them down, grow in form and then jump into the water at key source rivers. If we follow this simple plan we will win this war in months or my name isn’t Joe Pesci.”

When reporters asked President Flaaco if he worried that the recombinant life form would gain too much mass and begin to become a power in its own right, she would respond to them.

“Nah.”

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