Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
Mariam Webster’s Dictionary has recently revealed that in their first ever “eh you guys do this one” contest, in which the educated and well intentioned denizens of Twitter (X) were asked to create a word and definition — and the one receiving the most likes would be officially turned into a word using the magic word creating powers that only dictionary staff has. After a tough race between the words “drizzy,” “vape lung,” and “shapiro” — shapiro “the kid in class who tries to argue the professor” ended up winning after its supporters demanded a recount of the votes.
“Categorically I find this entire new word debacle to be utterly derisive to those of us who raise legitimate counter points against the overly academic view professors approach the world from,” said local shapiro Brian Thomas in an exclusive Badger Herald interview.
Infamous amongst his classmates for the piston speed at which he shoots his hand into the air during lecture, and his habit of giving the professor — and his class — his opinion on the things being taught to him. He is positively bristling in his demeanor.
“I don’t like the idea that someone who gives a fair counterpoint is given a nickname that identifies them as anyone other than a rational person arguing under an assumption of good faith,” Thomas said. “Especially when you consider from a real world perspective there are multiple reasons why anyone would find it demeaning to be compared to Ben Shapiro.”
Realizing that the little guy was genuinely hurt by the comparison, I called over to a group of fellow students.
“Yo look at this guy over here he likes to raise his hand in class and debate the professor,” I said.
In wordless agreement they came over and we all took turns calling him various synonyms of short, and eventually forced him to pay us his lunch money to leave him alone. Firm, even-handed and juvenile bullying is considered the best way to help cure yourself of the headache of dealing with a shapiro.
Just remember, no matter what, never debate them. You guys will never see eye to eye on anything unless they promise to wear platform shoes.
