Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
Hello valued reader of The Badger Herald Banter Section,
I come to you honestly, I come to you vulnerable and I come to you absolutely without the permission of The Badger Herald Editorial Board. I have accidentally fallen in love with long dead capitalism-daddy Adam Smith and desperately need your advice on turning my love into our love.
You see, the other day I had mixed a whimsical love potion for use in my quest to become a freeloading trophy husband. But alas, I forgot to label my Erlenmeyer flasks and accidentally downed the damned thing while I was trying to drink my morning cold brew.
![](https://badgerherald.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/image-1.jpeg)
The process is a lot like this but with more ritualistic sacrifice
Worse still, as I prepared the dried animal heart required to begin the brewing for an antidote, I messed up my binding mantras and accidentally tore a small hole in the metaphysical fabric between the living and the void.
Though it corrected itself in a brief moment, I glimpsed his beautiful form through the flickering portal. He was glorious.
![](https://badgerherald.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/image-2.jpeg)
He stood there — chins tucked neatly in a row — stern eyes that said “wake up slacker it’s time to create value for shareholders” — and just the thinnest British Smile. As the portal closed I realized that I had fallen madly in love.
Now completely crazy for my Adam, I realized that if I were to succeed with such an unattainable love quest, I would have to increase my value to him on the romantic market. My first step was taking double shifts at my three jobs in order to show Adam how hard I was willing to work for him and how motivated I was to build my own personal capital.
But, after four weeks on the wage worker grindset, I glimpsed again through the portal and found that Adam wasn’t waiting for me. Undeterred, I moved onto the next part of my plan — putting motivational quotes into photos of men in tuxedos and posting those on Instagram.
![](https://badgerherald.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/image-3.jpeg)
This is my masterpiece, this is the one they’ll remember me for
After four more weeks of hard Instagramming, I checked the portal again and found it to again be absent of my Adam. So dear reader, I come to you for advice today. What should a man do to score the ghostly specter of a token symbol of an economic school of thought?
The Badger Herald Banter Section can be contacted for advice and unsolicited rants at 566-867-5309. We can also be emailed at [email protected].