Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

Hello valued reader of The Badger Herald Banter Section,

I come to you honestly, I come to you vulnerable and I come to you absolutely without the permission of The Badger Herald Editorial Board. I have accidentally fallen in love with long dead capitalism-daddy Adam Smith and desperately need your advice on turning my love into our love.

You see, the other day I had mixed a whimsical love potion for use in my quest to become a freeloading trophy husband. But alas, I forgot to label my Erlenmeyer flasks and accidentally downed the damned thing while I was trying to drink my morning cold brew.

The process is a lot like this but with more ritualistic sacrifice

Worse still, as I prepared the dried animal heart required to begin the brewing for an antidote, I messed up my binding mantras and accidentally tore a small hole in the metaphysical fabric between the living and the void.

Though it corrected itself in a brief moment, I glimpsed his beautiful form through the flickering portal. He was glorious.

He stood there — chins tucked neatly in a row — stern eyes that said “wake up slacker it’s time to create value for shareholders” — and just the thinnest British Smile. As the portal closed I realized that I had fallen madly in love.

Now completely crazy for my Adam, I realized that if I were to succeed with such an unattainable love quest, I would have to increase my value to him on the romantic market. My first step was taking double shifts at my three jobs in order to show Adam how hard I was willing to work for him and how motivated I was to build my own personal capital.

But, after four weeks on the wage worker grindset, I glimpsed again through the portal and found that Adam wasn’t waiting for me. Undeterred, I moved onto the next part of my plan — putting motivational quotes into photos of men in tuxedos and posting those on Instagram.

This is my masterpiece, this is the one they’ll remember me for

After four more weeks of hard Instagramming, I checked the portal again and found it to again be absent of my Adam. So dear reader, I come to you for advice today. What should a man do to score the ghostly specter of a token symbol of an economic school of thought?

The Badger Herald Banter Section can be contacted for advice and unsolicited rants at 566-867-5309. We can also be emailed at [email protected].