A Balanced Interview

We here at The Badger Herald¹ are big believers in giving both sides a fair shake — understanding that both sides have valid points and deserve representation.

Brushing your teeth is many things — a good way to avoid bad breath, a good way to avoid bad breath from drinking, a good way to avoid bad breath from smoking and possibly a conspiracy pushed by the mainstream media. In the next few passages, both University of Wisconsin health professor Larry Lurton and loud man on State Street Jay “Jeff” Bridges will present to you two sides of a hot button issue facing this American life today.

Gentlemen, why are we told to brush our teeth?

Professor Lurton: Well, the plaque that builds up on your teeth when you eat is a very good home for bacteria. Bacteria can both create bad odors and tooth decay. There is literally no downside to it.

Jay Bridges: First things first — your teeth are not just perfectly designed for chewing food, they are also perfectly designed for government identification. 

I have personally inspected the grooves on many of my friends’ teeth while allowing myself into their personal space, and each one is breathtakingly unique. God naturally created plaque buildup to cover up these grooves, as not only is the sight of a naked tooth completely offensive, but equally offensive is any form of personal identification outside of shouting your full name at someone.

Jay I think you make a very interesting point bringing up the religious angle of this issue, do you have anything to say about that, professor? Is there any sort of religious reason we should brush our teeth?

Professor Lurton: While most large religions do not mention anything about brushing your teeth, they generally encourage us to be healthy in mind and body. Brushing your teeth has obvious physical and mental benefits that this feels like a no brainer.

Jay: That’s a fallacy, actually. Many brushels cite Corinthians 6:19 when making this tired argument.

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you.”

This is actually a mistranslation. The actual translation is:

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy — Spit — within you.”

It is well known that a human only has so much spit within it. If you run out you will dry out and mummify — this is made even worse by the fact that mummies don’t get into American heaven. Brushing your teeth requires your body to use more spit, drawing many young Americans irreparably toward this fate.

Very interesting. I really think we’re setting an example for both sides, how to have a civil conversation on these real issues. Gentlemen, why don’t we take a few seconds to pat ourselves on the back.

Anyways, what do you think your favorite celebrity would say about toothbrushing?

Professor Lurton: Frankly I think that celebrity is a part of capitalism. Celebrities are merely faces and products bought and sold in a for-profit industry without any inspection of the real person. Which is why I think Che Guevara brushed his teeth — he knew that “la revolución” needed healthy soldiers.

Jay: Kid Rock has no need for good breath when he’s got an honest heart.

¹ Jeremiah Frodl does not represent the Badger Herald’s opinions. He stumbled in one morning on a Wendy’s binge and we have not been able to get rid of him with force or shame.