Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


How to avoid a lonely Valentine’s Day

Five ways to forget about Valentine’s Day this year
Marissa Haegele

So another year down and another Valentine’s Day to spend with no company but your own. We have all gone through some lonely nights of crying and ice cream. Here are five simple yet effective ways to put down the ice cream and spice up your Valentine’s Day this year.

Volunteer at a retirement home

This one is fun and simple. It’s easy to volunteer at a retirement home. The staff always need help changing diapers and serving pudding.


Also, older people are delightful. They are so full of wisdom and wild stories. They are always looking for a young person to pass their wisdom onto. A major bonus to this option is they will likely forget that it’s Valentine’s Day, so you won’t be bombarded with questions about your love life.

Sign up to volunteer at a retirement home under a fake name (so you don’t get blacklisted for next year) and start the day nice and smiley so as to not draw attention. As the day goes on, eavesdrop to find the rebellious bunch. They can barely perceive their surroundings, so it shouldn’t be hard to sneak in on a conversation. 

Offer the rebellious bunch some hard drugs in exchange for information. Figure out who is the horniest person in the home and work your magic from there. They may be old and wrinkly, but that means they are experienced.

Volunteer at a daycare

It’s easy to volunteer at a daycare. The staff always need help changing diapers and serving pudding.

Also, children are delightful. They are so full of curiosity and wild imaginations. 

The point of this one is to be reminded of the simpler times when you were young and had never faced rejection. Just play with Legos, eat Play-Doh and win at Chutes and Ladders — forget about Valentines Day and romance.

Sit in a dark room for 24 hours straight

Nothing better than a little sensory deprivation to get out of your head. Sit in a dark room, and don’t think a single thought. The possibilities are endless. You could fall asleep, you could twiddle your thumbs, you could dance like nobody’s watching (because nobody is), you could strip your clothes off and then lose track of where they are or you could awkwardly get walked in on by your roommate and scream at him for not reading the sign you put on the bathroom door.

Solve World Hunger

This one takes a little bit of work and money, but if you just channel all your despair and regret into solving this one issue, you’ll forget it’s even Valentine’s Day. Added bonus is this is such an attractive thing to do that you will be swimming in romantic partners come next Valentine’s Day.

Sign up for The Badger Herald Matchmaker

No better place to find love than a student run newspaper. We have a guarantee that you will find love. Our algorithm works 100% of the time 10% of the time.

The process is simple. Start a profile by filling out this form. After that, our team of expert matchmakers will separate the profiles into three categories — mildly desperate, borderline pathetic and rock bottom. Then the algorithm will work its magic. The secret to the algorithm is that it pairs people based on gossip, hunches and judging a book by its cover.

You are bound to find that special someone when you sign up with us. You could also get Badger Herald Matchmaker Gold membership for a small fee of $69. To remind you of the thrill of putting yourself out there, the Gold membership includes fake rejection letters written by The Badger Herald Staff, a complimentary drink thrown in your face, a vibrator and lotion.

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