Okay, so we all know why you clicked on this article. You probably had the same feeling that I had when I walked into a Costco for the first time without a mask. Yeah … it’s not a good feeling when you walk into a store and find yourself among a crowd including Harley-Davidson tank tops, reflective Oakley sunglasses and unkempt beards.
In the back of your mind — even though you’re fully vaccinated — you’re thinking, “How are you going to let the others know you’re not some smooth-brained chud who’s about to start talking about the deficit?”
Don’t worry, though. Today, I’m going to teach you self-conscious, maskless beauties how to properly behave in a store so your vibe is more “I’m fully vaccinated” and less “mah freedum bruther.”
The first option is a move right out of the middle-aged mom playbook. I’m sure many of you have seen this move in action — you know, when you accidentally got too close to a white mom in Target during the pandemic? And they took a huge dramatic step backward and shot you a passive aggressive “eff-you” look? Of course you do — we’ve all seen it!
My advice to you is to adopt this move. It’s a great way of saying “I swear I’ve gotten the vaccine … Now let me show you that I take this thing seriously by taking a big ass step away from you” without saying anything at all!
Okay, time for option two. This approach involves you not being able to shut up about how “weird” it is that you don’t have to wear a mask anymore. What I am recommending you do is talking to ANYONE around you.
It doesn’t matter if they’re listening or not because others around you can hear you, and your awkward rambling will spread to every corner of the store! It is also vital to speak to every single underpaid employee about how weird you feel — trust me, they’ll love it for SURE!
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This last tip is a little more specific — it’s for all of the smartasses out there who bought a Cuomo/Fauci 2020 shirt early last year. I know right now it’s right behind your Harry Potter box set and on top of your signed copy of “A Promised Land,” but this could be the perfect opportunity to put that thing to good use.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way first, we gotta get Cuomo’s name off that shirt (who knew that a crappy mayor who cut public medical funding over the years was ALSO an asshole behind the scenes?).
All you have to do is place some thick duct tape right over “Cuomo” and “2020” so your shirt just says “Fauci.” Now — with your brand new “Fauci” shirt — you’ll be sure to make people feel safe and secure and confuse the heck out of them at the same time! At the end of the day, isn’t that the dream?
So there you have it, three rock solid ways to ensure everyone around you knows you’re no anti-masker, but you’re someone who cares about public health. I mean, I can’t stand people who don’t even give a second thought about how their selfish actions can destroy lives.
I just can’t believe that the slightest inconvenience can make people act in such a way … oh what? The World Health Organization is now recommending to wear masks again because of the Delta variant? Lol fuck that shit, I already threw all mine away — you’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m doing THAT again. Anyways, from one science believer to another, have a great rest of your COVID-free summer!