Yes, it was me. I was one of the ex-frat guys who stole that really expensive tree at The Arboretum. I’m here to explain the story behind the “Pine Crime,” as the police call it, and give you an insight into the “Conifer Crooks.” (If you ask me, they had a bit too much fun with these puns).
To start off, I have to explain why I joined the “frat.” When I came to the University of Wisconsin, I immediately knew I wanted to join a brotherhood of the absolute worst quality and reputation. After rushing and getting denied from every other frat, I knew that 200 Langdon would be my family forever!
My “frat” bros don’t want me saying this, but honestly, that tree had it coming. I mean, a name like Algonquin Pillar Swiss Mountain Pine Tree? Just pretentious, really.
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The man of 200, our “frat” president, told us that in order to be initiated into the “frat,” we had to commit a crime. Something about “tradition” and “maintaining our reputation.” Three of us decided that instead of going the violent crime route as our beloved predecessors did, we were going to steal a tree.
Naturally, we bought a chainsaw, rented a U-Haul and went to the school’s arboretum. Like any rational person, we figured that this National Historic Landmark that has existed for almost 90 years would have absolutely no significance.
We got away with it for about four months. Before everything came crashing down in March, we were living on top of the world. The police fined us $200 each, which is child’s play compared to the $35,000 we made selling the tree’s saplings on the black market. Once the news broke, we again solidified ourselves as the most hated “frat” on campus. As we speak, a plaque with that title is on its way to replace the old one!
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When the police figured out it was us, we came to the realization that we were doing more bad than good on campus. As a result, we have decided to disband as a social organization and donate our house to the university. They’ve said they want to burn it down, but believe me, we will rise from the ashes again!
Lmao jokes! As Jordan Belfort said in the “frat’s” favorite movie “The Wolf of Wall Street” …. “I’m not fuckin’ leaving!” We aren’t going anywhere! We know that this school secretly loves us — after all, every institution needs its black sheep.
At the end of the day, yeah, we “feel bad” and are “ashamed of what we did.” It “won’t happen again” and we will “reflect on our past in order to decide our future.” At least, if Becky Blank asks, that’s what you can tell her we said ;).
