MADISON, Wis. — In a press conference Tuesday, Chancellor Rebecca Blank confirmed plans of a $1.6 million project focused on the research and development of a snortable alternative to the COVID-19 vaccine. The university voted in favor of the decision following an alarming number of concerns raised by some of campus’ most frequent COVID-19 spreaders.
“Yeah, I’m not so sure that I want to get the vaccine right now. You just never really know what’s in it or how it’ll affect your body,” UW sophomore and Alpha Sigma Sigma member Tyler Regis said. “The best cure against a virus is just taking care of yourself. That’s why I watch what I eat, work out six times a week and only do cocaine in moderation.”
The plan per Blank is to cut various stimulants circulating campus with the vaccine — sort of like when your dog won’t eat a pill and you need to wrap it in lunch meat. The Budget Committee and Board of Ethics voted unanimously on the measure following a closed-door meeting with several pharmaceutical companies and fraternity cocaine dealers.
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Some students are suspicious of the university’s motives.
“Why do you think they keep pushing this vaccine thing on us? It’s just another attempt by institutions to strip us of our liberties,” junior political science major Ellis Clarkson told the Herald. “It’s a personal choice — people need to be able to weigh the pros and cons in order to decide what’s best for themselves … just like drunk driving.”
Officials advise moving as quickly as possible for a successful rollout.
“The sooner we get this developed, the sooner we can start mixing it with cocaine and a variety of study drugs. From there, it’s simply a matter of getting them on the streets and into noses. Research suggests that this is the best method to get through the thickest of skulls,” head of the project Dr. Jonathan Wright said.
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Many students are looking forward to this project.
“I was going to take the vaccine once it was made available for me anyway, but if this snortable version is available, I’m definitely getting that. I heard it hits you quicker that way,” business student Jake O’Connell said.
If this move is successful, the university plans to then move towards developing an “organic” vaccine targeting those who believe in natural medicine and the healing properties of crystals.
