Four score and seven pizzas ago, students at the University of Wisconsin brought forth traditions of academic excellence, honorable achievements and quirky student life traditions which govern campus to this day.
We are now engaged in a time of unrest within the student body, chiefly divided on whether two stops is a justifiable amount of time to ride the bus.
Given that today is the day to exercise our civic duty and vote for preferred political candidates, here are a few special elections we’d like to hold. Perhaps these votes will show more cohesion than division and create a more united campus.
Student becomes flaming mass of ash when asked ‘What are you doing with your life?’
The Day of the Week
When attempts to create “the perfect schedule” are squashed, a preferred weekday for students invariably follows. For example, usually, a student prefers the day of the week when they have one hour-long lecture over the day with a seminar, lab and discussion section. If students could vote on what day of the week it is, every day, students would not have to face congested schedules and can relish in a free “Thirsty Thursday” five days a week. Unfortunately, it seems the Gregorian calendar has other plans and would interfere with this election taking place.
Location of Classes
Sometimes, a student just needs their 8 a.m. lecture on the science of science to not be located at the top of Bascom. With course registration coming up, it would be beneficial to include a short ballot next to every class registration where students can vote for where they would like the course to be held. So long as a music course doesn’t end up in a lab in the chemistry building, this will greatly aid many, including Dejope dwellers who just don’t want to go down to Humanities.
ASM proposes taking action against gelatin in Babcock ice cream
Babcock Ice Cream Flavors
I scream, you scream, we all scream about the fact Babcock ice cream flavors can seem quite conservative at times, with vanilla, chocolate and strawberry always lining the menu. Featured flavors often take a radical stance on what constitutes ice cream though, and may take on unsettling names — such as “Financial Lemon-aid.” It’s up to the student body to ensure all ice cream is in line with our vision, and a more collective, campus-wide vote is needed on all matters involving the highly political subject of ice cream.
Exam Scores
Every student has experienced the day when they check Canvas after their professor explicitly said no exam scores would be curved and saw a box plot displaying abysmal exam averages. When the entire class is clearly taken aback by tragic exam score deficits, a special election is needed to incorporate the voice of the students into their exam scores. If the entire class votes to raise the minimum score, this will lead to increased periods of study as many students believe they then have a chance of passing the class. Of course, a dispute with the professor over the results may lead to a recount of votes and exam scores.
Bucky’s OOTD
Tragically, our pal Buckingham U. Badger has been stuck in the same red and white striped sweater for ages. While Spongebob may purport that “the best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time,” this topic is highly debatable. Student intervention is needed to lift Bucky out of his wardrobe woes and find him a stylish Outfit Of The Day every day. Statistics show 87 percent of one’s confidence comes from the clothes they wear, so Bucky’s new threads will boost his standing among mascots worldwide, as well as reflect the general fashion sentiments among Badgers.
Who Moves to the Back of the 80
All somewhat lazy Badgers have experienced a crowded 80 bus where someone has to move to the back. No one wants to move, of course, so a democratic approach must be taken. Much like “Survivor,” voting who moves to the back helps create alliances between strangers and create and destroy friendships. This is definitely needed for every mundane bus ride between classes.
