You’re going to be alone on Valentine’s Day, so embrace it and go out to eat alone like the fucking loser you are. Here are some great locations to cry over your meal on Valentine’s Day.
1. QQ Express
Enjoy smothering your face with greasy, delicious Chinese food? Then go have fun at QQ eating all alone. At least the lady behind the counter can keep you company.
2. Five Guys Burgers and Fries
Since it’s not the most romantic location around, there’s a good chance Five Guys won’t have many couples devouring burgers. Maybe their Cajun fries will help “spice” up your Valentine’s Day.
A burrito never added to the desolation of Valentine’s Day. Choose your favorite fast-food burrito joint (choose Qdoba — Chipotle’s guacamole is a scam).
4. Wing Stop
Arguably the least romantic location in Madison, Wing Stop will be a great place to eat away the pain. Maybe pop a few xans before you go to take the edge off of being alone and being at Wing Stop.
5. Red Rock Saloon
Be like the lonesome cowboy and eat alone at the best Western bar in town. It’s too bad Valentine’s Day isn’t falling on Wednesday because there won’t be $1 burgers … sucks to suck.
Inhale an overpriced, stale footlong at America’s favorite “sandwiches that resemble logs” joint. You won’t have to share it with anyone and no one will even know you’re there. It’s perfect!
7. Greenbush Donuts
More of the dessert type of morose consumer? Not to worry. Those $1 donuts will go way further than you even realize.
8. Cheba Hut
Getting high and eating sandwiches isn’t necessarily the most romantic of meals, but there may be some niche couples. Get stoned, get a sandwich and drink a beer — happy Valentine’s Day you fucking loser.