Beyoncé announced early Wednesday she and her husband Jay-Z are expecting twin baby-sized diamonds that also walk/function as normal humans but are actually just better than you in every way possible. Their first angelic spawn, Blue Ivy, has quite the unique title, so there are high expectations to outdo the eldest.
Consider these our official entries into the Beyoncé-baby-naming contest.
1. Cane / Abel
With Jay-Z and Beyoncé as parents, those kids may as well be in the Bible.
2. Thing 1 / Thing 2
Jay-Z’s favorite movie is “Dr. Seuss’ Cat In The Hat” (2003) and he’s always wanted to name his kids after his favorite characters, so now he is finally living the dream.
3. Coke / Pepsi
By naming their kids Coke and Pepsi, Jay-Z and Beyoncé can sue the companies for copyright infringement and rake in the cash. Easy scam… that they don’t need.
4. Boromir / Faramir
For the quest to destroy the ring to be successful, Denethor and Finduilas must give birth to their two sons who will then go on to protect Gondor and Middle Earth.
5. Parliament / Funkadelic
Musicians love musicians. Just as George Clinton meshed his two legendary projects together, the Carters (turns out their last name isn’t “Z”) are following in Clintons’ footsteps and naming their kids after his band. Maybe Clinton will lend them all of his old diapers.
6. Silence / Matlack
Don’t you wonder why the S and M are capitalized? Because they’re names! Maybe we should go check out the Franklin Institute because Beyoncé and Jay-Z are hinting at the location of the Templar Treasure…
7. South / East
“Haha fuck you Kanye, makin’ me do this shit.”
8. Van Vleck / Van Hise
Both are University of Wisconsin alumni. Of course they’re going to name their twins after the two towers of campus.
9. U / U
Just referred to as “W,” the twins will be named as one unit. Nothing to distinguish them better than using the same pun as The Double U on University Avenue.
10. Kelly Williams / Michelle Williams
Beyoncé really misses being a part of Destiny’s Child.