The Jewish high holiday Yom Kippur is this week, and I hope you have thought about your sins.
Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, is where Jewish people spend all day in temple and fast for 24 hours to reflect on their sins of the year.
If you’re one of those Jews like me and can’t think of any good sins to atone for, here is one suggestion for each of the 10 commandments.
1. Praising your one true god, ice cream sandwiches.
You love ice cream sandwiches, that’s fine. But you didn’t have to go and change every mention of the word God to ice cream sandwiches in the torah.
2. Chanting prayers into your freezer, where the ice cream sandwiches are stored.
Idolizing the freezer like this is clearly in violation of the second commandment and would have been punished by death in ancient times. Please repent for this.
3. Letting your last ice cream sandwich melt.
If we’re being analogous here, then ice cream sandwiches are your version of God. You let God melt and also lost faith in the God of Jewish people so congratulations, you broke the third commandment.
4. Driving to 7-Eleven to buy more ice cream sandwiches on a Saturday.
Everybody knows you can’t use technology like this on the sabbath and it was in the name of ice cream sandwiches. You really must’ve struggled this year because you have a lot to atone for.
5. Yelling at your mom for not bringing you an ice cream sandwich earlier.
Wow. Obsessing so much over ice cream sandwiches you disrespect your parents? You had a despicable year and Yom Kippur is your only chance at redemption.
6. Murdering the 7-Eleven cashier for an ice cream sandwich.
So you drive to 7-Eleven on the sabbath and you kill the innocent man over this? You’re going to be a Yom Kippur superstar with all the terrible things you have done.
7. Eating a Chipwich.
You committed adultery on your one true love, ice cream sandwiches. At least stick to your morals, hopefully you can learn a lesson this Yom Kippur you sick creature.
8. Stealing all those ice cream sandwiches from 7-Eleven.
If you killed the guy behind the counter why not just steal all the ice cream sandwiches, you’ve already gone this far. It’s just another tally on your chalkboard of sins anyways.
9. Lying about stealing the ice cream sandwiches in front of a grand jury.
This is the icing on the cake right here. After all this, you lie under oath about the ice cream sandwiches. At least you admitted to killing the cashier, but this all still requires serious atonement.
10. Having sexual desires for an ice cream sandwich.
Not only does this break the tenth commandment, but it’s just flat out weird. I hope you learn something at temple this Yom Kippur, because you need serious help.