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Craps on campus: Crap Randall is slingin’ Hail Mary’s in the hall of meatheads

The Herald's guide to the best (and worst) spots to poop on campus

· Mar 31, 2016 Tweet

UW Communications/ Jeff Miller

It is about as rare to do a turd within the giant sports bowl we call Camp Randall, as it is to play pigskin on the the historic gridiron at a heart of the concrete behemoth.

During the fall, Camp Randall is filled with a glistening, drunken, serpentine crowd rotating in and out of the slimy, encrusted, crap-hole abominations that are the Camp Randy bathrooms. If you enter the stadium with a swollen colon, you’re in for a terrible football experience. But, the offseason turns Camp Randall into a pooping Garden of Eden for sports lovers and Badgers fans looking for an incredibly inconvenient dumperoo.

Tromping over to Camp Randall, expecting to be rewarded with a leisurely perusal of the many bathrooms the stadium sports, I was sorely disappointed with a locked Randall in post-football-season mode. A quiver deep in my pantaloons spelt serious trouble — jeepers, was it time to act!

Concussing myself to a reasonable standard to avoid detection, I slinked my pitiful crap-boy self into the Student Athlete Performance Center directly adjacent to Crap Randy – feverishly searching for a place to perform excretion completion.

And I was rewarded.

What awaits a dastardly dumper is a bathroom of peak pooping performance, altogether the gold-standard of relief. Student Athlete Performance Center toilets are record-setting, highly-tuned, turbo-charged, defecation dischargers. The roomy, comfortably temperature-set stalls will have any blessed user of these divine bathrooms, droppin’ PRs (Poop Records) and fastest wipes in no time.

While it surely is not Camp Randall proper, the stalls are near enough to the 80,000 capacity bowl next-door to hear a roaring crowd as you deliver a helluvah dump — making you feel like the star of your very own Bowl game.

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Yet, I left my angelic experience disgruntled. Regardless of the millions of dollars of revenue, unfathomable amount of notoriety and benefits football players destroy their bodies over to bring to the university, we couldn’t provide them with something better than one-ply.

 Specifics 

Traffic: The occasional heavy clomping of football players

Stalls: Four handsome stalls

Toilet Paper: Embarrassing excuse for toilet paper; devilish one-ply

Sinks: Four hands-free faucets

Hand Dryers: Four, various brands

Cell-Service: Stellar

Toilet Flush Mechanism: Automatic, no inconvience here

Graffiti: Nope

Overall Rating: 4.8/5