It is day three: I write to you in a condition no man, woman or child has experienced in centuries. Food supply is quickly diminishing, as is hope of rescue. I write to you from a desktop computer.

Why would any self-respecting millennial sink to such depths? No trackpad? What am I, an animal?

No, I answer, blinking back yet another onset of tears. I have not always been this way. I was once much like you. That was until my apartment was broken into and robbed early Sunday morning.

As students at University of Wisconsin, sandwiched between quiet suburban neighborhoods, shiny bars and restaurants, it is easy to forget that our campus is not a secluded bubble in the heart of Madison. We are by no means exempt from all that comes with living downtown. Especially for students who live in the outskirts of campus — off Regent Street, near Camp Randall and near the Capitol — robberies, break-ins and vandalism occur every single day.

Sunday morning, the apartment I share with five other girls was broken into, leaving my roommate without a wallet, and me without a backpack, many of my textbooks and my laptop. I would describe this situation as less than ideal. It certainly does not rank on a list of the “Top 10 Things I Wanted to Happen.” Perhaps it earned a spot on the “Top 10 Absolute Shittiest Things To Deal With On A Sunday.”

As the weather warms up, UW Police Department warns that break-ins will become increasingly common. So in the wake of a devastating situation, I am graciously providing some simple advice to better protect you and your belongings.

1. Constantly cook cauliflower. There is no stench more aversive. You could dangle a string of diamonds from your window and hang a Louis Vuitton handbag filled with hundred dollar bills on your doorknob, but no criminal will even consider touching your apartment with a 10-foot pole.
2. Invite all your friends over and make loud siren noises. Get a group of the people you trust most together and watch as many YouTube videos of police cars and firetrucks as you can. Provide snacks and practice reciting “wee-oooh, wee-oooh” as loud as possible. If you feel particularly threatened in your neighborhood and have developed advanced skills, try speeding up and trying an ambulance sound. Make sure to do this when your block is quietest. Your neighbors will definitely appreciate the sacrifice you’re making for the safety of their homes.
3. Concealed carry. What America really needs is everyone to have more guns. Oh, never shot a gun before? Don’t really know how to hold one? Have a serious criminal record? What the NRA doesn’t know won’t hurt them. Sun’s out, guns out.
4. Throw away every single thing you own. Ha! Steal my belongings now, losers! Joke’s on you — I have no clothes, no money, no material belongings and no food whatsoever! 
5. Alternatively, carry with you every single thing you own. You can never have too many layers. Shove all your things in a roller backpack and you’ll be gliding through campus with such dignity that any potential burglar will be left speechless.
6. Barricade every single door on campus. Just a quick weekend project — if no one else can get out of their homes, they can’t invade yours. That’s some nice logic.
7. Get a dunk tank. This won’t do anything to protect you and your most valuable possessions, but it’s warming up and this could be fun for the whole family!
8. Create an environment where the robbers know it’s alright to cry. Every bully is just a damaged, insecure softie on the inside. Make sure to decorate your living space with wind chimes, stress balls and little bowls filled with smooth glass rocks and hollow wicker balls. Maybe even invest in a heated blanket, an exotic tropical tapestry or a pet therapy dog. Welcome them with open arms. Let them know it’s OK to not be OK.

Or you could just make sure to lock your doors, buy a door alarm from Target for $12 and keep windows shut all night. According to UWPD, most robberies occur between 3 and 6 a.m.. But if you’re really serious about security: start practicing. Siren noises won’t make themselves.