The annual Battle for Bascom is in critical condition.
This year’s unseasonably warm winter deprived campus of any significant snowfall, with the occasional flurries hastily vaporized by the unforgiving sun. The icy bout for control of Bascom Hill, geographic jewel of the American Midwest, has suffered perpetual postponements on account of these balmy months, and as winter draws to a close many doubted whether we’d even hear a whisper of a skirmish.
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Thanks to Monday’s surprise snowfall, the tradition may yet live on. The Facebook page representing the event made a declaration of war, stating the battle begins at 8 p.m. Thursday night.
Unfortunately, this year’s showdown may be a race against time. Constant sunshine and climbing temperatures have steadily depleted our stock of snow, and it’s questionable whether our burning planet will permit the event to take place.
In the case that it doesn’t, we’ve prepared some fun and handy alternatives:
Bring your own ice
If nature won’t provide the frosty arena on its own, lend a helping hand by supplying your own! Fill your backpack full of ice cubes and dump them out all over the hill just like they do at ski resorts. You’ll hardly be able to tell the difference!
Take turns
It’s very possible there won’t be enough snow to go around. In that case, make a couple of snowballs from the melting patches and take turns passing them around. No throwing them until all 1,300 attendees get a chance to hold one!
Use shovels
You don’t need snow to have a fight! Find yourself a sturdy shovel and duke it out for control of the hill like usual.
Go over to my dad’s house
My dad has plenty of snow left at his house! None of his neighbors have any and they are all furious at him for his nice wintry yard. Go on over there and horse around! He’d love the company.
Seed the clouds
It’s time to take matters into your own hands. Purchase this 37mm howitzer and use it to fire canisters of silver iodide into the sky, hopefully provoking some sweet precipitation. If every registered participant for the event chips in, the cannon will only cost about $16 apiece!
Transfer schools
There’s probably colder places you could go if you’re so eager for it. Drop out and catch a bus to North Dakota if you want it so bad.
There you have it. Hopefully our sweltering planet can afford one final chance at this stellar collegiate tradition, but if it doesn’t, you’ll know what to do!
