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Craps on campus: Memorial Union’s two-ply paradise

The Herald’s guide to the best (and worst) spots to poop on campus

by Patrick Ronan

February 8, 2016

The toughest part of college life isn’t as obvious as you might think.

It’s not the torturous trudge up Bascom Hill, nor the bitterly cold winter that unites all Badgers in synchronized misery.

It’s the toilet paper.

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Torturously thin and more abrasive than asphalt, one-ply toilet paper is the bane of Badger posteriors everywhere. Inescapable as it is merciless on the behind — it is an unfortunate staple of countless public facilities.

Craps on campus: Vile voidings in Vilas

If you share the hatred of this unforgiving toilet paper, look no further, I am your savior. I will lead you to the Holy Land of the Two-Ply, the Toilet Paper Paradise, the Wiping Wonderland; otherwise known as the first floor bathrooms of the almighty Memorial Union.

Located on each end of the Union Theater entrance, these two unisex bathrooms stock luscious rolls of two-ply toilet paper that turn public pooping into a religious experience. The private toilet rivals the luxury of a personal jet, allowing you to escape the sometimes overwhelming life of a college student to a plushy pasture of divine dumps.

The white and metallic gold trim covering the walls makes this restroom one of the best looking on campus. The lighting is sparse, yet tasteful, adding an unusually sensual vibe to the room. I’m not sure if this is a good thing for a place meant for taking a shit, but I admire the ambition.

Craps on campus: Poo with a view on 18th floor of Van Hise

Of course, what truly places this bathroom above the rest is the toilet paper. The soft, but firm, sheets make for a perfect wipe every time. No tears, no leftovers, no frantically hobbling to the sink to scrub off your finger — just pure bliss. The Memorial Union, supplier of the heavenly toilet tissue, obviously knows what is most important to students. For that, the students of University of Wisconsin and their beloved bums owe a debt of infinite gratitude.