The toughest part of college life isn’t as obvious as you might think.

It’s not the torturous trudge up Bascom Hill, nor the bitterly cold winter that unites all Badgers in synchronized misery.

It’s the toilet paper.

Torturously thin and more abrasive than asphalt, one-ply toilet paper is the bane of Badger posteriors everywhere. Inescapable as it is merciless on the behind — it is an unfortunate staple of countless public facilities.

Craps on campus: Vile voidings in VilasIn the noble journalistic pursuit of the perfect toilet, one mustn’t leave a stone unturned — not even within Vilas Read…

If you share the hatred of this unforgiving toilet paper, look no further, I am your savior. I will lead you to the Holy Land of the Two-Ply, the Toilet Paper Paradise, the Wiping Wonderland; otherwise known as the first floor bathrooms of the almighty Memorial Union.

Located on each end of the Union Theater entrance, these two unisex bathrooms stock luscious rolls of two-ply toilet paper that turn public pooping into a religious experience. The private toilet rivals the luxury of a personal jet, allowing you to escape the sometimes overwhelming life of a college student to a plushy pasture of divine dumps.

The white and metallic gold trim covering the walls makes this restroom one of the best looking on campus. The lighting is sparse, yet tasteful, adding an unusually sensual vibe to the room. I’m not sure if this is a good thing for a place meant for taking a shit, but I admire the ambition.

Craps on campus: Poo with a view on 18th floor of Van HiseTaking the journey to the top of Van Hise is an experience all Badgers should have before graduating. The view from Read…

Of course, what truly places this bathroom above the rest is the toilet paper. The soft, but firm, sheets make for a perfect wipe every time. No tears, no leftovers, no frantically hobbling to the sink to scrub off your finger — just pure bliss. The Memorial Union, supplier of the heavenly toilet tissue, obviously knows what is most important to students. For that, the students of University of Wisconsin and their beloved bums owe a debt of infinite gratitude.

Pictured: Reliquary of the Holy Tissue; mysterious leg bag interface
Patrick Ronan/The Badger Herald

 Specifics 

Temperature: Warm and cozy

Traffic: Little to none

Stalls: None, just one pristine toilet

Toilet Paper: Two luxurious layers of greatness

Sinks: One automatic faucet

Dryers: One paper towel dispenser

Cell Service: Yes

Graffiti: None

Overall: 4.75/5