It’s a Monday. Not only that but it’s nearly 2 p.m., meaning morning classes have vanquished and the desire to nap is strong. Instead of chugging a 5-hour energy or grabbing another coffee, I will be performing a social experiment with the help of Jeff Bridges.
Bridges, a talented musician and actor known for “The Big Lebowski” and “True Grit,” has entered a new media dimension: sleeping tapes. Partnered with Squarespace, a website-building platform, Bridges concocted an album with the sole purpose of easing its listeners into a deep slumber. Simply titled, “Jeff Bridges Sleeping Tapes,” is available for free download (and various other mediums like LP or even cassette) on his Squarespace site. It is a combination of talking, natural and artificial sounds, poetry and various noises. To help you dream even better, any money given for the tapes will be donated to the charity No Kid Hungry.
1:39 p.m.
Intrigued by the bizarre concept and an adoration of Bridges, I have decided to give the tapes a whirl in the prime window for napping on this Monday afternoon. Of course, I have other responsibilities like homework and writing this article, so it will be a true trial of the sleeping tapes and their effectiveness. Here we go.
1:45 p.m.
I have listened to the first few tracks. The first, “Introduction (Good Evening),” was everything any Bridges fan would want in a sound bite. There are grunts and sentence fragments as he presumably sets up his microphone, mumbling in his trademark guttural baritone voice on why making sleeping tapes was a good idea. At this point I am too giddy because of the absurdity of it all to feel sleepy.
1:51 p.m.
The tracks become sleep-inducing with gentle synths and a chant assuring me to “Sleep, dream, wakeup.” Yet, this span of fatigue has now been broken by the track “Hummmmm,” in which Jeff Bridges is literally humming. Amazing.
1:56 p.m.
This next track was actually kind of interesting. It’s called “Goodmorning, sweetheart,” and involves Bridges asking his wife to hum along with him. The recording is oddly comforting even if it seems impromptu. Sometimes the most difficult part of sleeping is just feeling alone or isolated. And with Bridges’ snuggly syllables so nearby, it’s hard to feel that way.
2:03 p.m.
Here we are. My peak exhaustion. I’m at a track entitled, “A Glass of Water,” about Bridges offering that very beverage and imploring that you “get cozy for some bedtime stories.” Here comes the promised poetry. Man, my eyes are drooping. He’s using thunderstorm noises, my ultimate weakness.
2:06 p.m.
This song is called “IKEA.” For the record, let me just say that there is nothing relaxing about IKEA. Between the brightly colored Klippan sofas and the tense fights between couples over whether to get the birch or dark-washed table, nothing comes easy. But this song is less about the Swedish furniture playground and more about Bridges’ plans after he dies. He will be flying around the Earth in a space coffin, flashing lights over memorable locations for all of eternity. In a ghostly and celestial voice, Bridges says he wouldn’t mind his coffin flashing over IKEA. Hopefully this contraption is available in Row 22, Aisle 5.
Can I have some coffee now?
2:10 p.m.
I’m hitting the wall, folks. The more ocean sounds, the more I want to rest my head on this keyboard and type gibberish with my cranium. Wouldn’t that be fun?
2:13 p.m.
I’m on the final stretch, by far the longest track of the sleeping tapes at over 11 minutes entitled, “Temescal Canyon.” The seamless stream of sounds and words from Bridges’ imagination have culminated in this final test of will.
It appears he’s taking me on a guided tour of Temescal Canyon. He narrates our journey by engaging me in questions as “our” feet walk along the damp grass. In a pleasant dream state it would probably be tactile and enlightening, but right now it is just cruel. Bridges demands that I wave at the passing hiker. I’m actually enjoying being Bridges’ imaginary friend for a bit. Am I going crazy?
2:15 p.m.
ATTENTION: Bridges found a stray office chair on the road. He is carrying it now.
He says it’s clear I’m having a wonderful time. That’s nice.
2:16 p.m.
I’m sitting on the office chair by a stream. Calming orchestration plays in the background as Bridges and I enjoy a break from our hike. He found some Spanish doubloons!
2:20 p.m.
The hike is over and in the track, “Feeling Good,” Bridges is telling me how great I am. For someone who is awake and trying to read about Shanghai in my history textbook, this is kind of odd and therapeutic. But if negative vibes are keeping you from slumber, then why not allow Bridges to ease your troubles and affirm your very existence? I want to sleep.
2:24 p.m.
I let myself close my eyes for a minute. Bad idea. My hand made a red imprint in my cheek from nearly dozing off. But don’t worry, I’m still with you guys.
It’s conclusive: “Seeing with my Eyes Closed” is the sleepiest of them all. The slow quietness of Bridges’ talking about how he likes to fall asleep is brutal for anyone who doesn’t have time for a nap.
2:28 p.m.
Last song! Last song! Last song!
Wait, did I just hear Bridges flush a toilet?
But all he says is goodnight.
And that’s all folks. I have officially, if barely, conquered “Jeff Bridges Sleeping Tapes.” Of course, I’ll probably feel drowsy for the rest of the day, but it was all in the name of science and sleep-deprived college students everywhere. Go forth and nap, fellow Badgers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKIlfLReHyo
