CAILLEY:

After last week’s PCP scared the shit out of the majority of Madison’s population (you know, the one about “Saw,” where we devised a plan to kill people?), Tony and I are still feeling a little sadistic. What can we say? We love Halloween.

So, this week’s subject is short and sweet: Which classic horror killer is the best?

Without a doubt, it’s Michael Myers.

See, although Leatherface might have terrified audiences long before anyone thought about transforming a mask of William Shatner into a horrific icon, “Halloween” really kicked off the psychotic, I’m-going-to-kill-everyone-in-sight genre that we all know and love today. And it all started with Michael Meyers.

First things first: the look. Myers rocks the jumpsuit, a good choice for its utility and practicality. After all, we don’t really want to worry about tucking in our shirts when we’re busy knifing people.

But it’s not the suit that makes the man ? it’s the mask. Whoever thought of taking a William Shatner mask and transforming it into the most singularly creepiest-looking thing of all time deserves an award. On second thought, maybe it didn’t take much work. It is William Shatner…

But here’s the thing, the creepiest thing about the man: When he’s after you, he doesn’t have to run. That fucker just walks. In the scariest, most patronizing way anyone could ever think of being trailed, he walks after his victims with all the confidence of a man about to go on a hot date. But in this case, he kills you.

And sure, Tony, Leatherface may make masks out of other people’s faces (props for being clever), but you have to admit Michael Myers has balls. While Leatherface needs his psychotic family to help him out, Michael Myers doesn’t need anyone. As a matter of fact, that bastard took it a step farther by killing his own family, starting at the tender young age of about eight years old when he murdered his sister while she brushed her hair topless. (As most girls do, right?)

If that doesn’t show solidarity and independence, I don’t know what does.

Leatherface has issues, man. The fact that he’s perverted enough to make things out of other people’s bodies speaks more about his insanity than his desire to kill people. Michael Myers just gives you what you want as a bloodthirsty viewer: straight-up killing.

And, Tony, there just isn’t anything like doing it old school.

TONY:

I’m a big fan of Halloween — both the holiday and the movie. I also think Michael Myers is one of the best horror villains in cinema history. But, Cailley, he is not the scariest, and he certainly isn’t the best. Only Leatherface can fill that hole.

First, there are the names. Leatherface is totally badass and sounds like something you should be scared of. Michael Myers, on the other hand, is just a name. It’s just like my name. Tony Lewis, ooh, scary right? No. Worse yet, Michael Myers has lost what little scare factor it had now that the first individual that comes to mind when you hear that name is the goofy Canadian comedian.

There’s also the matter of weapons. Myers primarily uses a kitchen knife, which, don’t get me wrong, is still scary and all, but it’s no chainsaw. I mean if you get stabbed by a knife, there’s still some hope for you, but if you get hacked by a fucking chainsaw, you’re a goner. Sure, Leatherface may lose in a game of stealth starting that baby up; yet, if you hear the distant roar of a chainsaw, you’re going to start freaking out. Besides, it’s always worse if you know something is coming — suspense is a real bitch.

Leatherface also wins when it comes to masks. There are 10 films in the “Halloween” franchise; however, Myers only wears one face throughout. Although the original face was based on a William Shatner Halloween mask — something that would scare any kid shitless — Leatherface wins by quantity and quality. Not only does Leatherface wear more masks but his are also made of actual human faces. Even scarier is the fact Leatherface is loosely based on Wisconsinite Ed Gein, a serial killer who wore the skins of his victims.

What inspired “Halloween” screenwriter John Carpenter when he created Michael Myers, you ask? The answer is one of most influential horror films of all-time: “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.” This 1974 movie defined the slasher flick genre and established many of the common horror film clich?s, including the characterization of the killer as a hulking, faceless figure. You would be hard-pressed to deny Carpenter had Leatherface in mind when he created Myers for “Halloween,” which was released in 1978.

Finally, Leatherface is a cannibal. Myers just lets the bodies rot. Therefore, not only is Leatherface the best horror villain but he also recycles. Who doesn’t love a humanitarian?