Few college guides prepare freshmen and transfer students for the wide world that is a large university campus. It would have saved us much embarrassment and aggravation had we been informed about dorm etiquette, quiet vibrators and free condoms. In order to better prepare you, new student, we will attempt to succinctly list some of the major do’s and don’ts regarding dating and sex on this campus.

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Dorm Room Etiquette: You have just met your new roommate in person. Besides the conversation you should have regarding sharing food, toothbrushes and the television, we highly suggest you discuss some rules regarding company. Specifically, the company in your bed. Typically dorm room doors are decorated with a white board. If not, get one. Skip the clich? sock on the door, unless you like having other people know you are getting laid. Choose a word or phrase that you both agree on to write on the board when either of you is going to bump pretties. “Better than Chocolate” and “Dolphin” are both fitting and innocuous enough that even your RA won’t be aware of what’s going on.??

When you see the word on the board, leave the area for an hour. Get a cup of coffee, read a book or find your own booty call. When you come back, knock on the door if the word is still in place. Whoever is in the room should respond with a “Hold on, 10 more minutes” or an all clear.

If being sexiled bothers you or it happens too often, discuss that with your roommate. There are other areas on and off campus that can be used to play in. Engineering Hall, certain library floors and shower stalls can all be put to great use. [Of course, proceed at your own risk. — Ed.] Just make sure you’re alone and wear flip-flops for greater grip.

Communicating that you are going to get laid is especially important for an all-nighter. No one wants to come home after studying till 3 a.m. only to find out they are locked out of their room.

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Discreet sex: Besides the different locations, there are ways to have sex that will not wake your roommate. Spooning and missionary can be less noticeable, while also allowing for hands to roam and please. There are also many vibrators that are quiet and small. A Woman’s Touch on Willy Street lets you try out the different vibrators before purchase. Our favorite is the vibrating ducky — because it is water resistant and cute, you can leave it in your shower caddy and no one will know the difference.

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Noise complaints: The couple in the next room has sex for hours. Loud, earth-shattering sex. You can’t concentrate on your final. If you want to get them to quiet down, do it in person. There is nothing more cowardly than complaining to the RA. Knock on the door. When the door opens or someone calls out, say nonchalantly, “That sounds awesome, but can you keep it down? Your neighbors are trying to concentrate on their own orgasms.” If they still maintain the same volume catch them outside of the sack and request that they quiet down. Or just leave a ball-gag at their door. They’ll get the picture.?

“””?? Let’s talk about partners for a moment. There are thousands at your disposal on this campus, all close to your age and within walking distance. Take your time! You’re young. Meet people. The clich? advice: Join a lot of clubs. Meeting people with similar interests can lead to potential partners. Just beware of having multiple partnerships within a circle of friends. Complications can and usually do arise.

“””?? If you’re going out looking for a hook up, or perhaps you just stumble upon one, it’s important to be alert. Be aware of your level of alcohol consumption and your potential partner’s. If you do decide to leave a public location for a private one, make sure someone you trust knows where you are going and when to expect you back. Talk with a trusted friend about what to do and who to call if you don’t return as expected. It’s always OK to postpone a hook up for a later, more sober, date.

Discover friends with benefits. It’s very important when making friends and finding attraction to be honest with that person. Tell your potential partner that you are only looking to play, not a relationship. Discuss what that means to the both of you. Friends with benefits will only work if you are truthful and respectful to one another.

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Resources: All that talk about sex and partners leads to only one thing: free condoms! There are several places where you can get bags of different condoms and safer sex supplies. The Blue Bus clinic at University Health Services not only offers free STI testing but also gives out condoms, as does Campus Women’s Center, LGBT Campus Center, PAVE and Sex Out Loud. Sex Out Loud offers free condoms, lube, sex dams, pamphlets and a library full of sex books. Check them and many of these organizations at the Student Activities Center at 333 E. Campus Mall.

“””?? Ah, college. What better playground to explore people, interests, majors and the student body? Take advantage of all the opportunities and resources that await you here at UW-Madison. Enjoy.

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This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski and Suzie Baker. Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a facilitator for Sex Out Loud, and Suzie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker. Comments? Want your question answered in a future column? E-mail us at [email protected].