I have been dating my boyfriend for three years now, and though our sex life is still incredible, we have been looking for ways to spice it up. My boyfriend suggested a threesome, which I agreed would be thrilling. Of course now he’s overwhelmingly excited about the idea. I’m completely down too, but don’t know how to go about the whole thing. How do you split the attention two ways? How do I find someone to join us? Will there be jealousy? I could use some “sexpert” advice! — Menage a trois?
It’s wonderful to see a couple willing to explore and discuss new facets of pleasure! A threesome tends to be an activity that intrigues many people, as it can up the ante of pleasure by allowing for more hands, mouths and other parts to fulfill a fantasy, or as you put it, spice things up. This is not to say everyone wants or feels comfortable with a threesome or that it is the ultimate sex act.
Before planning the big event, I would advise discussing why a threesome sounds so enticing. Is it because you want to have sex with another person within the confines of a monogamous relationship? Or is it to show off you and your partner’s sex skills in front of another person? Or is it something else? It’s crucial the people in the relationship are both genuinely excited about the prospect and there isn’t pressure from one side or the other. Adding a third wheel can alter a relationship, and if both people aren’t on board in terms of the boundaries, it might be wise to table the idea until an agreement can be established.
Speaking of boundaries, if oral sex is completely out of the picture for the third party to engage in, then that should be established before the clothes come off. Figure out what both you and your partner are willing to allow another person to engage in and what y’all are comfortable with. Can he kiss the other person on the mouth? Is he OK with you giving a hand job? Foot job? These boundaries should also be discussed with the third person since they may have their own activities that they aren’t willing to do. Everyone is more likely to be comfortable if these are discussed before sexy time.
If you get past these communication points and are still jazzed about the idea, now the fun planning begins. (A professional threesome planner would be a very exciting job don’t you think?) The main thing to figure out is who the third person should be. Decide if it will be someone the two of you know or a stranger. There are perks and drawbacks to both, but in my opinion, it might be awkward to know your best friend sucked your boyfriend’s cock, but hey, if you are cool with it then more power to you! But at the same time, a friend might be more comfortable since you both know and trust them. You can also determine what gender you both are looking for and that may help narrow the search. These ideas go well for single people as well. Maybe you and your best friend see a steaming hot guy at the bar and ask him to join you for a “night he’ll never forget,” or some other equally cheesy pickup line.
Determine if toys would be a nice addition. This would allow more penetrative options and potentially more pleasure for all parties involved. This also includes the use of lube (yes, it is considered a sex toy). It is a must to use lubrication with any kind of anal penetration since the ass is not self-lubricating. Remember that the wetter the sex the better the sex. Silicone lube is awesome since it tends to last longer than water-based, which allows for more go time. But a quick note on this — don’t use a silicone lube on a silicone toy since it could degrade the toy.
It might be helpful to watch porn of threesomes to get an idea of all that can be incorporated and achieved with three bodies. Think about all the possibilities with all of the holes, fingers, toes and insertive objects! There are many ways that all of these parts can fit together, so be creative and go with what works. It might also be helpful to write out an explicit scene incorporating play-by-plays. This way a general outline of actions can help you gain some ideas, and it decreases the likelihood that people will just start poking around and trying to suck on things — though that can be as equally stimulating.
To begin, try having two people go at it while, say, the third person watches. And then as things heat up, the third can join in. Or shower all together (if your shower is sizeable) to get everyone wet in more ways than one. Take your time and enjoy everyone’s body and the sensations that ensue.
In terms of safety, remember: one barrier per hole, per partner, per toy. It defeats the purpose of protection if a condom goes over the dildo and is passed around to all three partners. It needs to be changed with each hole and with each partner to effectively prevent the spread of STIs. And please don’t double up — no receptive and insertive condom used together since that actually increases friction and therefore the likelihood of barrier breakage.
Sometimes it doesn’t work out where a menage a trois can be planned out like the above situation. Maybe there are three people who want to bang right then, which is awesome! Again, it is really important to still use the same protection methods and define the boundaries before three people are twisted together in a pretzel-like position.
So, to recap: Make sure you and your boyfriend are doing this for the same reasons and that all parties involved are on the same page regarding everyone’s boundaries. Threesomes can be an awesome way to experiment with other people and get mucho stimulation. Maybe you will see if “the more the merrier” is in fact true.
Mary is a senior in zoology and pre-nursing. She can be reached at [email protected].
