Dear Anthony, My roommie freshman year didn’t want me to hook up with/ my boyfriend in our dorm — even if I gave her warning of what was going on (where the hell else were we supposed to get it on?!?!?!). How do you get intimate and not totally piss off the roommie? What are the rules to go by for that? (Hahaha — I only wish I’ve had this problem recently. ..I haven’t even met anyone I’d want to do in like six6 months! It ends up being the same d-bag guys that I’m not attracted to, at anything I go to. You see, I’ve mostly moved past the stage of being willing to spend time w/ jackasses unless they are super hot, which honestly hurts the odds of getting any. Sigh.) — -Needing Some Serious Ass Oh, the joys of living in the dorms: cockroaches, meningitis, the guy down the hall with the blaring stereo and, of course, getting sexiled. It happens to everyone at some point in their college career, unless you live with a computer science or an art major. Once again, it is a tough road to navigate because you are still contractually bound to that asshole you call a roommate. Option 1: Create a pact If you don’t want to piss off your roommate, you’re going to need an unwavering code to live and die by that you both can agree to. Likely, it will be signed in blood by both of you and notarized by some form of royalty. Barring that, you may just want to come to a verbal agreement. Some key points might be the following: 1) No sexiling before exams, projects, etc.

2) No sexiling if the other person has nowhere to go.

3) If the sexilor’s significant other lives alone, there is to be no sexiling.

4) Sexiling takes priority for special events such as month-iversaries and V-Day.

5) A (insert item) will be placed on the door to remind sexilee that sexilor has sexiled him/her. (However, sexilor must notify sexilee of sexilization one day in advance.)

6) First come, first served. (No pun intended.) I think that covers just about any situation — except threesomes and having sex on the futon — but that shouldn’t be too much of a problem to work out. Option 2: Be like Anthony, bang that pchickerson whenever you want The worst-case scenario of you doing whatever you want is always having to fight some douche bag. After several years here, I’ve come to terms with this and carry a knife (it comes in handy on Park Street late at night) at all times. Never, ever be a pussy. Invite your significant other over some night when the roommate is around. When he/she wants to go to bed, promise to be quiet and get out some protection. Now, you’ve already asked nicely a couple of times and you’ve been turned down for no good reason. Today, you’re going to wait for a snore, jump on your bed and make the loudest, most uncomfortable love you can make. (You will have to clear this with your significant other, of course.) Then, wait for your roommate to wake up. Here is where I make my disclaimer: Guys act one way, girls another. I don’t know what a girl would do in this situation — I don’t want to know. (I suspect they’ll act similarly, but sneakier.) Anyway, guys will do one of the following: 1) Lie quietly and awkwardly waiting for you to stop and never say another word about the situation and never disagree to leaving.

2) Try to somehow demoralize and humiliate you or your fuck buddy into stopping.

3) Create an awkward, “Borat”-like wrestling scene in which you probably will end up losing your desire for sex for a month or so. Above all else, you need to be ready for No. 2 and 3 and be able in an instant to have the guy in this situation pull out quick and cockslap your roommate in the face. Your roommate will not bring that up again, I promise. Moreover, what is more fulfilling to any guy than getting to cockslap someone right in the face? Probably a threesome. You probably owe your man a threesome if he cockslaps your roommate. (You’re welcome, guys.) Well NSSA, I sure hope this helps. Best of luck convincing your boyfriend to cockslap your roommate. If he’s a good man, I’m sure he’ll be up to the challenge. Don’t forget to stir the pot, Anthony Anthony is studying to be a pollution control engineer. No, that’s not a joke. If you dare, send your sordid secrets to [email protected].