I read the namesake comic as a kid, and I ride a motorcycle, but "Ghost Rider" still failed to kick start my heart. The movie is currently topping the box office as fans hoping for the next "Spider-Man" or "Batman Begins" flock to the film, but instead of channeling these success stories, "Ghost Rider" recalls poor comic-to-big-screen flops such as "Hulk" or "Fantastic Four."
Nicolas Cage stars as Johnny Blaze, a death-defying motorcycle stuntman. Cage does a good job of adding depth to the character: Rather than make him a cussing, beer-drinking Texan, the actor portrays the character as a book lover who eats jelly beans from martini glasses and only listens to the Carpenters. He also enjoys watching chimp kung fu.
Blaze soon makes a deal with the devil, exchanging his soul to save his father, or so he thinks (too busy with jumping motorcycles, Blaze must have never read "Faust" or seen that one episode of "Wishbone").
In this modern take on the German tale of a deal with the devil, Peter Fonda plays Mephistoles. Since Blaze is a clear nod to Evel Knievel, it was nice to see Wyatt from "Easy Rider," the inspiration for Captain America, on screen as the demon. After the deal, Blaze must become Mephisto's bounty hunter, leave his girlfriend and return wayward souls to the fires of hell.
As well as Cage plays Blaze, the Ghost Rider character in itself is just cheesy. In the end, the writing ruins the movie, despite Cage's valiant efforts, presenting a pitiable plot with endless scenes of lame dialogue.
For example, Ghost Rider says, "You… Guilty!" or "You… Innocent!" to many bad or seemingly bad people throughout the film. As he does this, he points his bony finger at them for an obnoxiously long time. Such bad grammar also led me to wonder if they don't teach predication in hell or if "are" is just not a word cool people say.
Similarly, when Ghost Rider goes past a sign saying "Garage," the sheer speed of his motorcycle just happens to blow out the lights in the G and A so only "rage" is left. All that was needed to turn the scene into a Mountain Dew commercial was a logo and someone shouting "Extreme!"
When it comes to fierce anti-hero powers and weaponry, Ghost Rider gets hosed. Aside from a bike to make chopper fans drool, he has… a chain. There is no cool story behind his choice of weaponry either; he just picks it up in a fight and ends up keeping it. Ghost Rider's one and only move is the Penance Stare, which shows people all the bad they have done to others and makes them wish for death to avoid further torture.
The move isn't bad in itself, but it would be much cooler if he didn't do it all the time. Like Scorpion from "Mortal Kombat," whom everyone knows is only good for that "Come over here!" spear move, Ghost Rider is a one-note hero.
Fellow baddie Blackheart, however, is by far the biggest disappointment of the movie. Ghost Rider's archenemy and Mephisto's rebellious son, Blackheart (Wes Bentley, "Weirdsville") comes to Earth to destroy humanity. Anyone who has read the comic or played "Marvel vs. Capcom" knows that he is one bad-looking dude who rarely, if ever, takes human form. But the movie doesn't show his full demon form even once. Instead, he goes around killing people looking like he just came from a Linkin Park concert.
Amazingly, his lines are worse than Ghost Rider's: "I'll retire [Ghost Rider], just like I retired you!" Blackheart says to Mephisto, who is clearly not retired, but rather still fully active in the door-to-door soul-stealing business.
The numerous clashes between good and evil only come off as pathetic in the movie. Epic duels are the best part of comic book movies, but here they last mere seconds. Blackheart's cronies are element-themed as wind, water and earth, giving writer and director Mark Steven Johnson plenty to work with in the good-versus-evil conflict. Nevertheless, the confrontations between them and the fiery wrath of Ghost Rider come off more like cheap chemistry experiments than anything.
Mostly, the less fantastical characters in the movie work the best. Donal Logue from "Grounded For Life" plays Blaze's stunt coordinator Mack perfectly, capturing his neurotic and crazy ways. Logue turns in a solid comic performance to match Cage's intense Ghost Rider. Sam Elliott, who uttered the famous opening lines in "The Big Lebowski," shows up here in a similar role as the narrator/caretaker, using his deep Texan drawl to its full extent.
Also worthy of mention is the lady who gets her purse stolen. Usually such a character either looks like she came straight from a Playboy shoot or is just old as prunes. Here, the lady is an obese, black lipstick-wearing woman with spiky hair and a shirt that reads, "I leave bite marks." Simply hilarious, especially for a bit part.
Aside from a classic biker soundtrack featuring Ozzy Osbourne, AC/DC and George Thorogood, mediocre comedy and a sparse selection of quality action sequences, "Ghost Rider" revs no engines, and all save the die-hard Marvel fans should steer clear.
Grade: 2 out of 5