Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


12 comical days of Christmas songs

Christmastime is a prime time for comedy. Movies and television churn out some amusing content, but above everything else, I love Christmas music. Specifically, I love inappropriate Christmas music.

I usually do a top five, but I am feeling extra generous during the holiday season. That is why I would like to list 12 of my favorite comedy Christmas carols, in no particular order. I will also provide my favorite line from each song to give you a better idea of it.

Before making my list, and checking it no less than twice, I would like to point out that my suggestions are generally nondenominational. Sure, they are all inspired by Christmas, but I think everyone will get a kick out of them.


"Merry F#%$in' Christmas"

This is my most recent favorite, spelled in those exact uck-replacing symbols, from the album of the same name by Denis Leary. Of course, the song itself is not censored, delightfully combining obscenity with a traditionally performed Christmas jingle about Leary's love-hate relationship with the season. Favorite line: "Cracklin' fires to keep me warm, and my collection of Asian porn."

"Holy Shit, It's Christmas"

Sticking with obscenity, here's a catchy one by Red Peters (no relation) from his album, I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies. Peters and a bunch of foul-mouthed hamsters perform this dirty ditty. Favorite line: "You can play 'hide the hamster' on a one-horse sleigh."

"Weird Al" Yankovic has produced two excellent Christmas songs. Instead of choosing between the two, I will just list both.

"The Night Santa Went Crazy"

He most notably released this on his hit album, Bad Hair Day, but I am going to talk about the extra gory "Amish Paradise" single version. In the song, Santa Claus gets fed up with his job and goes postal. What makes the extra gory version so unique is, in the end, a guy from the SWAT team shoots Santa Claus in the head. Favorite lines: "Yes, little friend, now that's his brains on the floor/ I guess they won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore!"

"Christmas at Ground Zero"

Reaching back two decades, there is also this beautifully bleak song from Weird Al's Polka Party! The song is about a town's celebration of Christmas following a nuclear attack. It warms the heart. Favorite line: "We can dodge debris while we trim the tree/ underneath the mushroom cloud."

"Dead, Dead, Dead"

Keeping the bleak streak alive is this song from South Park's brilliant Christmas album, Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. The whole album is amazing, but this particular song tickles my fancy more than the others. My favorite line sums it up: "What a festive season/ someday you'll be dead."

"A Christmas Carol"

This song can by found on many Tom Lehrer albums, but most recently on his complete career collection, The Remains of Tom Lehrer. Just to clarify, he is still alive. The carol is about the sickening nature and over-commercialization of Christmas. Considering the song was recorded in the late '50s, its timeliness today is astounding (like much of Lehrer's work). Favorite lines: "On Christmas Day, you can't get sore/ Your fellow man, you must adore/ There's time to rob him all the more/ the other three hundred and sixty-four."

"Christmas with the Devil"

This can be found as a bonus track on Spinal Tap's This is Spinal Tap. Nothing goes together quite like a celebration of Jesus Christ's birth and Satan. Favorite line: "Silent night/ violent night."

"Things I Want"

This is a rare Tenacious D track (oddly featuring Sum 41) from a Christmas compilation called Christmas Calling. Jack Black lists a bunch of ridiculous stuff he wants for Christmas. Favorite line: "I want a bumper pool table and a robot pelican."

"Father Christmas"

Here's a humorous song performed by The Kinks from their album, Misfits. Unlike Tenacious D, the people in this song only want money. Favorite lines: "Father Christmas, give us some money. We got no time for your silly toys/ We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over/ We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed."

"The Twelve Pains of Christmas"

This is an amusing take on the classic "The Twelve Days of Christmas," by the Bob Rivers Comedy Corp from their album, Twisted Christmas. Instead of listing gifts, the song lists the 12 most annoying aspects of Christmas. The best part of the song is the building anger and annoyance that eventually erupts with my favorite line: "Fine, you're so smart, you rig up the lights!"

"Twelve Days of Christmas"

Bob and Doug McKenzie (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas, respectively) of "SCTV" fame perform another take on the classic carol listing items predominantly Canadian. I especially enjoy their gradual understanding of how the song works. Favorite line: "And a beer … in a tree."

"The Chipmunk Song"

I'll end on a lighter note. I think most people recognize this song, though some may know it better as "Christmas Don't Be Late." Either way, it comes from a time when sped-up vocals meant to sound like Chipmunks could produce a No. 1 hit. Comedian Patton Oswalt performs a hilarious bit about slowing down the record to hear a man talking in a monotone voice, followed by Chipmunk leader Dave screaming like a demon. I recommend listening to the song at half its speed for this added fun. Favorite line: "I still want a hula hoop."

There they are, 12 songs to enjoy during the 12 days until Christmas. I wish you all the happiest nondenominational holiday season.

Mike Peters is a senior focusing on communication arts, film and business. Are you angry that "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" didn't make Mike's top 12? Send him an e-mail at [email protected].

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