Dear Clare,

Faithless Friend

Dear Faithless,

I can hear the pain and anguish in your letter! My dear little sophomore, you are not as alone as you think. Many people go through ups and downs with friends. Now, I am not a psych major and will therefore just take this question at face value and not suggest that there may be deeper mental issues adversely affecting your friendships. Even though you surely recognize that I am prone to shed brilliant light on many issues pertinent to college life, I'm going to assume that if your situation were dire enough to perhaps involve a health condition, you would go talk to a professional.

With that serious disclaimer out of the way, let's get to the more fun analysis. There are 100 hundred million quotes about friendship you could seek out to help you discern the true definition of friendship. "Friends are the family you choose," is one I heard just today, which is convenient, but it made me think about the accidental origin of college friendships. I often wonder how different life would be for people if they had joined a Greek house, moved into a different dorm or applied for a job in the other coffee shop. Do we really choose our friends? Are people strategically placed by some fate-planning entity in order to change our lives? Or do we instead form friendships out of convenience with the people in closest proximity to us?

The answers to these questions are, of course, impossible to settle conclusively. I would argue, however, that we do have some autonomy in choosing our friends, although we are limited in choosing from a small pool of people for logistical reasons. There is nothing positive, negative or perceptive about this most-obvious reasoning, but I mention it here because I think it will help, Ms. Faithless, in your search for "true friendship."

We are all selfish messes in college. This is true even for the people who appear the most put-together; they are often the most disastrous messes because they prohibit themselves from showing any emotional wreckage. Relying on other emotional basket cases when you are also a basket case is going to lead to some sort of instability, especially when we possess impossible expectations of friendships. This is why I do not espouse all the quotes about friends as angels lifting you up when your wings break off, or whatever that sweet, but stupid, quote is. Friendship doesn't come with lessons in damage control, yet many times people get mad at friends for not saying the right thing when they were upset, getting them a "bad" birthday present or not dropping everything and empathizing enough after a difficult breakup or exam. You need to realize, Faithless, that everything a friend does, regardless of the degree of dedication, is done out of the goodness of his or her heart. Friends are not supposed to act as loyal servants, personal boosters or bodyguards of your mental state.

Rather than evaluate your friendships based on random criteria generated from cheesy friendship quotes, you should ask yourself what each friend has taught you or how he or she has helped you in some way. Though it was from a limited group, you chose the people you would designate as "friends" for some reason or another. This is not to say that just because you call someone a friend they should be considered as such. There are, of course, people we think of as friends who treat us poorly and therefore should be stripped of their "friend" title, but I am not referring to those rude maggots here.

You may not find one person who embodies everything you think you want or need in a friend, but that doesn't mean that you have no friends. Try to recognize the different roles your pals play in your life and appreciate them for these specific contributions. If you still find yourself swimming in a sea of fake friends, then maybe it's time to seek out new groups from which you can choose new companions. People change, and as we grow up, the people we choose to surround ourselves with may change too. Though some relationships are conditional, the potential impact that people can make on our lives is not. Therefore, you should not view a friendship with someone you have lost touch with as a failure, but as a phase in which you were lucky enough to have someone positively affect you.

Think of how monotonous your life would be without your friends. They may sometimes make you mad, annoy you with their petty complaints, or exhibit the attention span of a small child (or college student), but try to appreciate them for what they add to your life, instead of condemning them for their failure to fix the messes that will always be a part of it.

Hang in there, Faithless! I know there are people out there who truly care about you. They may just not be very good at showing it.

Clare

Dear Clare,

Manly buddy of a male-tannerexic

Dear Manly,

Why are you worried about offending your friend? Don't be! You are doing him a favor by telling him he looks stupid, not great. If you are scared, just cut out this column as a not-so-discrete hint.

First of all, I would just like to say that tanning non-stop isn't "exactly the coolest thing" for anyone to do, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. We all know that tanning is not good for your health, so I don't feel the need to elaborate on that point. I do feel that it's necessary, however, to remind some people out there that we live in WISCONSIN; and it's VERY COLD in Wisconsin! If it is February and you are walking around with a tan, you look ridiculous. You may look a lot hotter than the rest of us, but you also look ridiculous. This mitigates any positive effect your hotness may have on other, paler attractive persons passing by.

While girls have countless ways to improve their appearance, I realize that boys have limited options. I would like to randomly note here that "frosting" the tips of one's hair is NOT one of these options.

Tanning shouldn't be an option either. Boy tanners interested in female loving, please note: an equal number of girls are turned off at the thought of a boy going tanning as they are of a pasty boy, whatever shade he may naturally be. This is because most girls see tanning as an activity that screams: HIGH MAINTENANCE! If a lady is high maintenance, a like-minded man isn't desirable because the attention that needs to be skewed in her direction wouldn't be if the boy were constantly looking the mirror, instead of at her. If a lady is low maintenance, then a guy who is low maintenance too would be completely unattractive and unbelievably irritating.

You're a good pale pal to be concerned, Manly.

Clare