Dear Clare,
What is the proper protocol on instant messaging someone if you obtained their screen name from Facebook? Does it differ if it is a member of the opposite sex? I only ask because I like to talk to new people but I don't want them to freak out because I was looking at stuff on their profile. Your guidance in this matter is appreciated.
Sincerely,
Trying not to be a Facebook stalker but really like to talk to people
Dear Trying,
I am going to try and get over that horrible attempt at a pseudonym and bestow upon you my counsel in this matter, which being an avid Facebooker and having an advice column, I feel qualified to do. In the words of one of my dearest friends, Andrew George, "Facebook has taken over the world." Because it so quickly came upon the social scene, Facebook etiquette hasn't been uniformly established or agreed upon by its collegiate participants. I would like to therefore propose a few Facebook rules that would answer your question and allow me to do what I want on Facebook:
1. Thou shall never ever poke or request friendship with someone that thou have never met. Failure to comply will make thou appear pathetic, and even worse, creepy, which should be avoided at all costs.
2.
3. Along the lines of No. 1: Thou shall never be so vain to jump to the conclusion that a poke/request for friendship is an invitation to marriage or indication of romantic interest. The poker/inviter is probably only trying to increase his or her friend count. Thou aren't that good-looking, so stop thinking everyone has creepy intentions.
4.
5. Thou shall use contact information obtained from Facebook profiles to further only an already established friendship.
6.
7. Thou shall not post messages on Facebook walls that should instead be private messages. Wall posts should be reserved to only those comments that will bring entertainment to the wall owner or to an outside reader. Failure to comply will lead to the boredom of others reading the aforementioned wall post and the disappointment of the wall owner that thou wrote nothing to entertain him or her.
8.
9. The sole purpose of Facebook photos, either in thy profile or albums, shall not be to convince others how attractive thou are. Failure to comply will make one appear conceited, and provide adequate justification for outsiders to judge thee.
10.
There is obviously room for interpretation in many of these guidelines — especially in number three, which is relevant to you, dear reader. The key here is "already established" friendship. This doesn't have to be full-blown friendship, but at the very least, the basis of friendship should be apparent to both parties. I would say that using Facebook to obtain the screen name of someone you are friendly with is perfectly legitimate. If people don't want others to instant message them, then they do not have to post their screen name on their profile. I find it interesting that many of our AIM buddy lists consist of people we met in high school, many of whom we may not speak with anymore, and not a lot of people we know in college whom we would actually like to electronically communicate with. I would take extra precautions in instant messaging a member of the opposite sex. The friendlier the person is, the less you have to worry about it creeping them out.
If you don't think you're friendly enough for AIM conversation, send them a Facebook message. This is a form of minimal communication, and once or if you receive a reply, an instant message won't seem as random. I can't take credit for that piece of advice — that is another addition from Facebook guru, Andrew George.
Good luck, Trying. Please keep in mind that because we haven't actually met, you are not allowed to Facebook or IM me.
Clare
Dear Clare,
My parents are pressuring me to get a "real job" after graduation and are nagging me about it morning, noon and night. I want to take a year off to do a cross-country road trip with my friends after I stay in Madison and make money this summer. They think this is a stupid idea and aren't being supportive. How do I get them off my back?
Senorita Senioritis
Dear Senorita,
Can we take a moment to have a temporary freak-out about the fact that you, dear reader, and I are graduating in less than three months? OK: AHHH! In this response, I'm not going to tell you exactly how to solve this problem, because I don't know you or your parents. I will attempt, however, to help you see their viewpoint and recognize that they are not evil, but only want what is best for you.
No matter what you tell inquirers about your plans for the future, they are going to be supportive or offer you some sort of advice. This is true of all inquirers, except your parents. This may be irritating to you, my young explorer, but your parents are only thinking in your best interests. For lots of seniors, the best post-graduation plan is to go 'find myself,' travel or 'have one last crazy adventure before going into the real world.' In the mind of many parents, financial stability is the most important end objective of any post-graduate life. This is the case because a) they don't want to/can't afford to support you anymore and b) they are more realistic than you. Though many students are financially independent and have been supporting themselves throughout college, many others have been financially dependent and have not had to worry about bringing in their own income. For this spoiled group (don't get offended, I'm just saying that you are very lucky), your parents may be worried that you really don't understand how expensive your life is.
This is where you and your parents don't see eye to eye: you think you don't need to maintain your current lifestyle to be happy, but they feel you that you do. You are a free bird, altruistic, optimistic and ready for adventure. Your parents are realistic and perhaps a little pessimistic that you will not be happy in the harsh real world without the comfort of their generous handouts. The beauty about graduation, though we will both soon learn it is an overall harsh condition, is that you ARE free to do whatever you want. Don't fault your parents for their concern, because they have been in the real world for some time and forget what it's like living in the bubble of naivety and idealism that college provides for most. You are confident enough about your future to take the road less traveled and not make any concrete plans. Your parents internalize the societal ideal that success is more a function of financial stability than happiness, but also believe it is difficult to be truly happy without some sort of financial stability. You can agree or disagree with this latter part, but probably aren't versed enough in real life yet to make an actual judgment call on it.
I would advise you, Senorita, to be patient with your parents. As long as you are financially independent and will make enough money to go on your road trip next year, go! You could also try to find a job that allows you to travel around, like the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile driver or staff member for a Presidential Campaign (this isn't until 2008 though, so you'd have a year to do something else first). This way you are making a bit of money while seeing the country.
You may also want to think about ways to get health insurance for next year. I think that is the scariest thing for seniors to think about, though many of us don't.
Good luck, Senorita. Perhaps we'll meet next year at the front desk of a cheap motel in the middle of Tennessee as I go on a road trip to stalk Travis, the Bachelor, and his new gal Sarah because they are just too cute.
Clare