Dear Clare,
I find my sensibilities offended by nearly every aspect of "coastie wear," (no further description necessary) but am in a relationship with a girl who insists on wearing such vile garments. How do I break it to her that I hate every aspect of her wardrobe without tainting our sweet, sweet love?
Sincerely,
Trying to kiss her face, not her sunglasses
Dear Annoying Jerk,
I'm sorry to insult you, but this is absolutely the most annoying question I have ever received. It does, however, give me the opportunity to vent about a common grievance that I find completely feebleminded and baseless among my peers of this great institution: complaints about the wardrobes of different groups of people. The gripes about the North Face fleeces that roam Grainger Hall or the large, glamorous sunglasses that appear on State Street on even the cloudiest days are such a bloody waste of time, yet I hear them constantly. The Shout-Outs that appear every Wednesday in this paper always have at least one comment attacking "coastie wear." Well, let this be my own personal shout-out to all of those idiots who are sure to write about that this week: You're annoying! Why do people care what other people wear? Yuck, that wasn't meant to rhyme, but it is seriously something that annoys me. People waste their time ranting to their like-minded friends about the fashion sense of groups of people they don't know. Isn't it odd that people complain about things to people who already agree with them? Democrats complain to other Democrats about the conservative tendencies of conservatives; girls whine to other girls about the inconsistency and inconsideration of boys; students demur to other students the impossible expectations of professors. I find this practice completely unentertaining and futile, though I must say I am guilty of this same useless verbal diarrhea. Perhaps we do this because doing the opposite and discussing such issues with those who don't agree can be intellectually stimulating, difficult and tiresome and we are too stupid to try and convince those who disagree with us that we are right. Perhaps it is also because we like it when people reinforce our own opinions and let us continue to live in our own world with our narrow little minds.
I get really annoyed when people grumble about how others conform; don't these complainers realize that their complaints are conforming to the complaints of other unnecessarily bitter people? Think about that — I used lots of repetition and alliteration so you might have gotten confused. In other words, criticizing people about stuff tons of other people criticize them for is itself conforming to some sort of view. So, criticizing people for conforming really doesn't make any sense because you are, in essence, criticizing something you are actually doing.
So, dear friends, what is the solution? How can we deal with our frustrations in a positive way? Why am I writing so much of this column in rhetorical questions? The solution for you, Annoying Jerk, is to stop being so superficial and accept your girlfriend just as she is. If you really have "sweet, sweet love" then you won't mind her Uggs or furry winter coat. I'm sure there are certain aspects of your appearance that she would happily change, but doesn't care to focus on because she isn't as petty as you are. You are lucky to have a girlfriend, Annoying Jerk, because it is apparent that you are indeed, an annoying jerk. I wouldn't complain.
Good luck, but not really. I actually hope she reads this and dumps you.
Clare
Dear Clare,
I have recently re-entered the ranks of being single and now find myself having difficulty finding things to do on the weekends. I'm underage and ID-less, so the bars are not an option. The stale beer and inhibition free freshman guests of house parties only offer me limited happiness. What's a boy to do?
Sincerely,
Despondent Danny
Dear Danny,
Hurrah for you! I'm proud of you for trying to step outside the college dude box and explore more fulfilling activities that don't involve copious amounts of booze, beer pong or babes. I am surprised at how many students from all tiers of academia don't tire of the cyclical collegiate schedule of class, study, party, with a few organizational meetings, work shifts and episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" crammed in between. There is more to life, my dear readers! And it can be found here in Madison!
There are MANY things to do in Madison outside of the activities you so eloquently referenced in your letter. There is, of course, bowling at Union South, open skating hours at the Shell and billiards, a bunch of free concerts and open mic nights at Memorial Union. I personally enjoy “Dance Dance Revolution” at the mini-arcade at the Union and would highly suggest it. I think it is just laziness that more students don't partake in these activities, but I assure you, only a few moments are required to surf the web and figure out when these are available. The key with you, my friend, is trying to find something different. The Overture Center has tons of events, many of which are free, that would be of interest to not only a cultured thespian, but also a growing college boy like yourself. Just look up the calendar and check it out — you may actually find something that sounds interesting. The same goes with other theatrical events or comedy clubs in the area, many of which are within walking distance.
You mentioned you were single: what about late-night yoga at the SERF Thursday nights? I'm not joking! Under the façade of "meeting hot chicks in yoga pants," try and convince your beer-belching buddy to go with you sometime. You could definitely have a couple laughs doing something like that.
I am now, dear friends, going to make a suggestion that I feel will shatter your image of me as a super-cool and ultra-hip college gal. Wait, that wasn't your image of me? It was already shattered by my use of the word "super-cool"? Well I don't have anything to worry about then. I would like to suggest that you host a game night at your residence.
I have recently become very interested in board games, ranging from the “Saved By the Bell” Game (you can win a date with Zack!) to Scrabble to chess, which I am pretty horrible at. I would propose that you invest in a few of these little games, many of which can be found on Ebay for a low price, and then send out little e-vites inviting your friends to bring along any of their favorite games. If you want, you can allow your pals to bring along a couple brewskies. Tell friends to bring other friends, and make it a mini-tradition where you change hosts every time. The point isn't to drink; it's to have fun actually doing something!
I am now going to check my Ebay bid for that “Saved By the Bell” Game, which I previously owned and was devastated to find that my mother had gotten rid of.
Good luck, my friend! And send me an e-vite to your first game night! I'll be there ready to win that date with Zack.
Clare