This installment of the LAH may come as a bit of a shock to some. Action originator Derek Montgomery (better known as D-rock to most) is waylaid in Hawaii after what one can only assume was an action-packed journey. On account of his M.I.A. status, long-time LAH enthusiast Robb Hoover was selected as his action replacement (designated by double asterisks) for this week's column. LAH has always been the people's column. This is our way of once again truly putting it in the people's hands.

Now that the formalities have been taken care of, it's time for us to tackle a truly great action series this time around. Legions of our loyal fans have been pleading with the LAH to discuss "Die Hard" for a long time — and we're finally doing it. After heavy debate, it was decided that "Die Hard: With a Vengeance" is the best of the three (though it's a damn close call) and was selected as the basis for this week's column. Without further ado, we bring you more Bruce Willis than any one person should ever try to handle. Yipee-ki-yay, motherf-cker!

Goat:

I've been waiting to do "Die Hard" for some time now. Any action aficionado will tell you that it's easily Bruce Willis' action zenith, right up there with movies like "The Fifth Element," "Pulp Fiction" and "Hudson Hawk" … maybe not "Hudson Hawk." Ironically, when news first broke that Brucey Bruce — then a star of NBC's "Moonlighting," the antithesis of action — was being cast in an action film, many scoffed. Fast forward to '05 and millions of rabid fans are eagerly awaiting the fourth "Die Hard," even if it's rumored to feature Justin Timberlake as McClane's son. Apparently Bruce has said he's impressed with Timberlake's acting prowess after working with him on "Alpha Dog." What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

For anyone who hasn't already seen it, "With a Vengeance" has a rather simple plot. Willis and Samuel L. Jackson team up as they try to thwart Hans Gruber's brother, "Simon," from blowing up a school in New York City. They eventually track down the elusive German, saving the city in the process and clocking a fair share of kills and beatdowns along the way. I found it sort of funny that "Die Hard" is one of a select few action movies featuring Germans as the enemy — namely because Germans just aren't incredibly intimidating. In all honesty, Gruber comes off as the sort of man I'd want designing an efficient household appliance, not some evil mastermind who can cripple a nation's economy. It's the great lesson to take away from "Die Hard" — Germans just don't make good villains (beyond "Wolfenstein").

Big Poppa:

It's a pleasure to be sitting here for D-rock this week. And while Germans may not make good villains, Samuel L. Jackson makes a great action-movie sidekick. Like Goat does for D-rock each week, Jackson carries Willis and enhances every scene he is in. Jackson plays Zeus (not Jesus — does he look Puerto Rican? — as he explains to McClane after he mistakenly calls him by that moniker), a street-smart pawnshop owner/electrician/locksmith that accidentally gets roped into Simon's revenge. Zeus is forced to help McClane solve puzzles and keep Simon from blowing up a school, all the while adding the comic dialogue that Jackson is so well known for. For example, after Simon tells him that he ruined a well-laid plan, Zeus responds, "You can stick your well-laid plan up your well-laid -ss." While Jackson has no real action scenes, except when he forgets to turn the safety off his gun and gets shot in the knee for his efforts, he steals the show with his combination of anti-establishment (read: anti-white) paranoia and comedic one-liners.

Goat:

I'll have to agree with Robb on that one. I just felt like Jackson stole the show whenever he was onscreen. "Die Hard: With a Vengeance" boasts a somewhat meager 39 kills and 20 beatdowns, with two emotional beatdowns. Willis himself clocks 11 of those kills and seven beatdowns, easily discerning himself as the true star of the film. Though it's rather obscure, Simon does manage to clock two simultaneous beatdowns early in the film, causing a pregnant woman's water to break in an explosion. His attempt at an abortion failed, Simon seemed doomed before he even entered the picture.

These rather lackluster numbers don't do the film justice, as "Die Hard" features plenty of intense action scenes. Willis faces off with a German warrior who is unfazed when Bruce stabs a wooden stake into his thigh, drives a taxi cab through Central Park and, over the course of the film, somehow survives countless explosions that seem to be within 10 feet of him.

Overall, "Vengeance" satisfies like few other action films. It delivers Bruce Willis as the quite likeable John McClane, Samuel L. Jackson as his angry self and dozens of huge explosions. Perhaps my favorite part of any "Die Hard" film is how horrible Willis looks over the course of the movie, truly taking a beating like no other. For his walrus moustache of blood alone, I give "Die Hard" a high rating of three Chuck Norrises and a bonus Samuel L. Jackson, simply for being himself.

Big Poppa:

With all due respect for Goat and Derek's love of kill and beatdown stats, I believe what makes an action movie is not the quantity (see "Delta Force") but the quality of the one-liners that go along with the action (See "Hard to Kill": "I'll take you to the bank, Senator Trent — the blood bank."). The combination of Willis and Jackson delivers some world-class comedic dialogue. After Willis struggles to comprehend Jackson's character's name, Zeus, Jackson responds with a clarification: "Zeus, as in father of Apollo, Mount Olympus, don't-f-ck-with-me-or-I'll-shove-a-lightning-bolt-up-your-ass Zeus!" And the humor accents the action throughout the whole movie. During an intense Central Park scene where Willis races along bike paths and sidewalks to try to make it to Wall Street in time to stop a bomb from exploding, Jackson asks him if he's aiming for pedestrians. Willis, in true action-hero form, responds, "No … well, maybe that mime." Classic.

The best part of "Vengeance" is that it never tries to be sappy, allowing for more action and humor instead of working on a plot. Even the romance angle is glossed over with humor, saving "Vengeance" from the pitfalls that have brought other seemingly superb action flicks down. For a two-hour action ride on a weekday, "Die Hard: With a Vengeance" is hard to beat.

Honolulu, Hawaii — The content printed above by Robb Hoover does not reflect the views or opinions of Derek Montgomery. Hoover's inclusion in the realm of the Last Action Heroes column does not render or imply his status as a full-fledged Last Action Hero.

— D-rock from Waikiki

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