Dear Clare,

Struggling Single Starbuck

Dear Starbuck,

You are definitely in a pickle, my friend. I hear you about the whole issue of being truthful. Though honesty is usually the best policy, it's not in this case because this batty-eyed barista is clearly a bit irrational. It's annoying that she doesn't understand your lack of interest, but you messed up by initially saying you were busy. Now she thinks the issue is busyness and not your lack of romantic feelings for her. You should've been honest from the beginning! Tip for everyone: If you aren't interested in someone who asks you out, don't claim that you can't go because you're busy, unless you make it obvious that you really aren't interested with your tone, body language, look of disgust, etc. CAUTION: Even if you employ all of these latter descriptions, some clueless souls will probably still not get it. Unfortunately, I really don't think there's anything you can say to completely escape this awkward situation, so here are some lines you can use, though they have their disadvantages:

1. "I'm dating someone else."

Disadvantage: you will have to fabricate an entire relationship and remember everything you told her so you won't blow your cover. This is also a problem if you want to date someone else at work or if she has a cute friend you're into because she'll think you are taken (this is also a disadvantage for telling her, "I don't grind my beans with fellow Starbuckians").

2. "I'm gay."

Disadvantage: Lying about something this serious would be a horrid idea, though this one is the only real guarantee that she will never ask you out for a romantic date again. She may, however, try to adopt you as her "Will," which could make her even clingier than she currently is.

3. Use the classic Seinfeld, "It's not you; it's me."

Disadvantage: There's potential she won't get it and will profess such undying love for you that no flaw you exhibit could keep her away.

4. "I just got out of a serious relationship."

Disadvantage: She'll think you're incredibly sensitive and will try to become the girl you confide in about your heartbreak. This would change her strategy from "I want to get to know/get on Starbuck" to "Starbuck's heart is broken and I'm the person who is going to put it back together."

The theme of this situation: you really won't get her to leave you alone. This issue is now beyond your control; you have no other choice but to bring in a third party. The following tactic will stop her efforts to go out with you: Pawn her off on a friend.

Have one of your buddies, doesn't matter how short, tall, fat, thin, attractive or hideous he may be, come in and order something while the two of you are working. Then, the next time you work with her, tell her that your boy was asking about her, thought she was really cute and that you told him she was single. Let her know that you don't know the dude that well and don't have his number, but that "maybe he'll stop by." Now I know this is a little white lie that will get her hopes up, but it will work for the following reasons:

1. It will get her thinking of him rather than you.

2. You bringing up another guy will make it apparent you aren't hugely interested without offending her. This is because you are giving her another option.

3. If she continues to ask you out after this, say you feel uncomfortable doing so because it would jeopardize your friendship with the mysterious boy and even though you aren't super tight with him, you couldn't bear to devastate him like that.

Now, I don't condone lying or being devious, but I understand your desperation because some people just don't get it! If telling this little fib is going to make work bearable, I would say it's your best course of action.

Good luck, my friend! U rah rah for your Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

Clare

Dear Clare,

Football Fan

Dear Fan,

Wow, way to put a ton of effort into your letter and creative pseudonym. It is clear that you must be super-desperate to consult me about this issue. I actually had to google fantasy football just to find out what it was! Because I am a kind soul and pity your desperation, I will try to help.

I wanted to consult football experts to get some real-world suggestions, but it turns out that Barry Alvarez is really hard to get a hold of, and all of the Vikings players (I'm from Minnesota) are in boatloads of trouble and aren't really eager to talk to anyone. Don't fear though, my football fanatical friend, because I was lucky enough to get a hold of the great Jacob Carlson, a former quarterback at Benilde-St. Margaret's High School. The wise QB said that you should try to "pick up some free agents who are usually short term because there could be some good match-ups, or you can try and get a trade with someone who is really gullible in your league." I am going to assume that you understand this football jargon because I have no idea what he's talking about.

In case Jacob's advice is still making you a big loser, I have more words of wisdom from another football freak with lots of expertise. Matt Kukar is the son of the main referee for the Vikings. He's the guy who wears the white hat at the Vikings games and has officiated three Super Bowl games. Because of his pops, Matt has been watching football from the sidelines his whole life. Matt is currently "dominating" in his fantasy league, and says, "You have to pick players based on their overall consistency." Matt says not to necessarily draft players who excel in only one area, but to pick overall solid performers.

Now, I realize that you may already know all of this, so I will offer a completely different piece of advice: I would encourage you, my friend, instead of wasting money losing in fantasy football, to make a "Fantasy Football for Idiots" guide. Though, ironically, this may be a book you should seek out yourself, devoting time to studying cases of success or failure could make you even more profitable than winning big in fantasyland. You could use yourself as an example of a failure; the book is almost writing itself already! Then you could try to sell it to the players in your league and get their money that way, rather than having them rob you because they got to pick Tom Brady ahead of you (look who's using the football jargon now!).

Good luck, my friend!

Clare