When action legend Steven Seagal releases another film, it's not exactly breaking news. The man has been churning out close to five movies a year, with all of them straight-to-DVD or straight-to-USA (the quality cable TV network, for anyone unsure).

When the Last Action Heroes heard of a new Seagal flick, we weren't exactly excited at the prospect of watching the aging Buddhist brawler do wire-work for a couple hours straight. But maybe Seagal had finally overcome his habit of doing lackluster movies and had turned out one more action classic. A wise man once wrote, "With great power comes great responsibility." And so we took it upon ourselves to review "Today You Die" for action fans worldwide.

Ryan:

I have to admit, I didn't have high hopes going into Seagal's latest film. In fact, I expected to fall asleep at some point and probably complain about how far my favorite action legend had fallen in this column.

Well, I was wrong. Believe it or not, Seagal managed to churn out a somewhat entertaining film. "Today You Die" is chock-full of charming one-liners, brutal beat-downs and somehow manages to piece together a coherent plot at the same time. While this certainly isn't "Under Siege"-era work, Seagal comes through as a force to be reckoned with in the film. Comparing "Today You Die" with his other recent works is like contrasting "The Empire Strikes Back" with "Glitter" — not a fair fight at all.

The fact that I liked "Today You Die" so much got me wondering what made it so enjoyable. Then I realized the secret to a good Seagal movie — a convincing, comedic sidekick who also happens to be an ex-rapper. "Exit Wounds"? Check. "Half Past Dead"? Uh huh. "Today You Die" pairs Seagal with Anthony "Treach" Criss, of Naughty by Nature fame. "Treach" plays Ice Cool, the physical manifestation of all that is cool in society. Ice is by Seagal's side throughout the film, taking bullets and kicking ass, all to get his hands on some of Seagal's secret stash.

Derek:

Much of the film starts out with Seagal in bed with his wife or girlfriend, who happens to be about 30 years his junior. Recent resurgence or not, Seagal's patented ponytail fails to make an appearance. I can only describe the mat upon his head as a rat's nest. Something tells me Seagal would benefit from going to a barbershop and telling the barber he is sick of looking like an a–hole, but that is conversation for another time. (Thank you, Wesley Willis).

As the seconds agonizingly pass, Seagal finds himself in Las Vegas delivering truckloads of money. On one particular job, he gets matched up with a bad guy who shoots the other security guards and forces Seagal to speed away. The DVD describes the chase scene as "one of the most extraordinary chase scenes ever filmed on the streets of Vegas." If directly ramming two vehicles and causing a few police cars to flip over and explode qualifies, then I guess this was the most intense Vegas chase scene ever. Something tells me it's not quite on par with crash landing a passenger jet right down on the strip like in "Con Air."

After the chase, Seagal is sent to prison, where the movie continues its absurdity.

Ryan:

Seagal comes off as street-wise for the bulk of "Today You Die." He earns credibility after being in prison for only a few hours, beating down the only prisoner with man-boobs. Somehow the more muscular inmates felt it was a better idea to stay away from Seagal, but Man-Boobs McGee couldn't resist trying to get his hands on the meditating man-killer.

From there on out, Seagal exudes a hip-to-the-streets vibe during all of his exchanges with Ice and his associates. One of Ice's friends mentions that Seagal "walks like a black man and breathes like a killer." Impressive.

Seagal clocks in a respectable 25 kills over the course of the film, as well as 19 brutal beat-downs. The beginning of the film features Seagal handing amazing beat-downs to three henchmen, but unfortunately the action tapers off shortly thereafter. Action certainly picks up heavily late in the film, but I would've liked to see it spread out more evenly.

The cameos in the film are numerous, but the killer is most certainly an appearance by UFC's own Randy "The Natural" Couture as an unnamed henchman. Couture tries to beat down Seagal as he enters a hideout, only to be knocked flat to the floor. He later reappears in a warehouse, which led me to think he'd get his revenge on Seagal and reveal he was the true mastermind of the double-cross. Nope, he just gets double-tapped in the chest and goes down for the count. What a shame.

Derek:

The vibe Seagal exudes is second-to-none for most of the film. Seagal is quite possibly one of the most desired inmates of all time, as upon walking to his cell for the first time, it becomes apparent that all the prisoners either want to have sex with Seagal or beat the crap out of him.

While he is in prison, we begin to see how Seagal is unique. Every other prisoner walks around wearing standard prison blues. Seagal, on the other hand, wears a black leather jacket. Obviously the man stands out and attracts two thugs who get on his case during a gathering outside. Seagal responds by breaking one of the bad guy's arms in half and beating down the other in record time. From there, Seagal teams up with Ice and the two run the prison, not because they are tough, but because they control the only weapon that is circulating in the prison.

As the movie progresses, it becomes apparent that the clique that controls the knife controls the prison. First, two Hispanic prisoners are shown in power positions, but after they are beaten down by Seagal, the knife lands back in the hands of Seagal and Ice. From there on out, the two rule the halls, laundromats and back rooms that make up this Nevada prison. Guards are rare, and prisoners are commonly seen in possession of everything from sunglasses to various weapons. At the end of the prison scene, the prisoners start a riot, and Seagal and Ice make an escape by, of all things, a helicopter. News reports show video of the riots captured by an amateur videographer. Since when do maximum-security prisons allow amateur videographers to roam freely on prison grounds?

Ryan:

While the majority of one-liners in the film are relatively bland, Ice manages to breathe life into what could easily be stale lines. He claims to know "Ka-rifle," "Ka-razy" and "Gun-Fu" on several occasions, and is honored with uttering the title line late in the movie. Shortly before offing a man who had just shot him in the shoulder, Ice says, "Today you die, motherf-cker!"

Interestingly, "Today You Die" alludes to various other movies throughout, as well as to pop culture. Lines like "It's time to pop it like it's hot" and "Show me the money!" are obvious, but the film even harkens to "Cool Hand Luke" early in the plot. The movie even manages to allude to Seagal's own "Hard to Kill" with an always-classic "I'm gonna cut your f-cking heart out!"

Though "Today You Die" is by no means Seagal's best work, it is easily the best film he's turned out in the last three years — not that that's saying a lot. I give "Today You Die" two Chuck Norrises and a bonus Randy Couture.

Derek:

After so many Seagal films, you'd think at some point there would be a scene where a villain encounters Seagal and either runs or immediately attacks the ponytailed assassin. Why do I pose this question? There were a couple scenes in the movie where a bad guy could simply pull the trigger and end Seagal's life, but they always involve the villain getting into some sort of ridiculous conversation that ends with a one-liner and a notch under the kill column for Seagal. One of these days, he'll meet his match.

"Today You Die" was not a bad return for Seagal. The filming was tight, but the extensive use of freeze-framing and petty slow-motion action sequences left me thirsting for more. I also expected that with a tagline of "What Seagal does in Vegas almost destroys it" there would be much more devastation to Sin City. "Today You Die" solidifies why Seagal is the epitome of straight-to-USA. I award "Today You Die" two Lou Diamond Phillips.

The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you!!! Do you think Randy Couture deserves his own action franchise? Do you have a spectacular idea for a future column? Let them know by dropping Derek and Ryan a line at [email protected].