Prior to the year 2002, there had been a serious drought in action movies. Instead of classic flicks that featured a hero kicking the crap out of a small army of villains in an act of revenge, action fans were forced to watch as some director tried to prove how smart he was by weaving some overly-elaborate plot in between fight scenes. Then came the best action film of the new millennium: “xXx.” With the release of the sequel rapidly approaching (t-minus two days), the Last Action Heroes have decided to pay tribute to this great film.
Joe:
In 2002, Revolution Studios made Vin Diesel the new breed of secret agent. Now that, my friends, is what I call a smart choice. Dude’s got the physique of a pro wrestler (I’m thinking more along the lines of Lex Luger here and not so much the Canadian Earthquake) and a voice that would make Suge Knight nervous. Plus he came up with a pretty sweet fake name for himself. Vin Diesel was exactly what the action industry needed. It had been a while since I had seen a legit action star on the big screen. Keanu Reeves? Please. He may know kung fu, but that does not keep him from sucking. Tom Cruise? What is he, 5-foot-3? Yeah, he’s a real badass. They might as well make Tom Joy an action star. Well, then again, they could save some money on sets — the whole movie could be filmed in a dollhouse.
When Vin became Xander Cage in “xXx,” all that changed. He kicked ass, pure and simple. Dirt bike stunts, explosions, skydiving, he did it all. Oh, and I would be remiss if I failed to mention his unbelievable one-liners. Among the gems he growls are “I live for this sh*t” and “I wish I had a video camera … because this is going to be one hell of a trip.” What a fantastic movie.
Derek:
As every member of thefacebook.com‘s Last Action Heroes fan club knows, Mr. Ziemer and myself are at odds when it comes to crowning the next action kingpin. I’m all for The Rock. Ziemer has a hard-on for VD. Despite our differences, it’s hard not to give props to Diesel for his performance in “xXx.” With a name in the movie (Xander Cage) as cool as his pseudonym (Vin Diesel), the shining star of “The Pacifier” finally brings the action genre back from the dead.
The movie starts out in style. Fifty-foot flames burst out of a dance floor occupied by legions of Eurotrash using drugs and sporting high-tech guns. On the other end of the western hemisphere, Xander Cage is a notorious thrill seeker pumping out underground videos of his stunts faster than The Rock sells movie tickets. After stealing a U.S. Senator’s corvette, running it off a bridge at least 1000 feet over a canyon river and then parachuting out the back all while talking to a video camera, Xander finds himself busted by the National Security Agency at his welcome home party.
Of course, Samuel L. Jackson is one of the top agents in the NSA and puts Xander through a series of tests that includes busting up fake agents at a diner and surviving a firefight between cocaine traffickers and the Colombian army. Having jumped over six-story watchtowers on a stolen motorcycle and busting the face of some NSA agents, Xander successfully passes all the tests. If you look closely at the diner scene, you’ll notice it was the same diner used in Pulp Fiction. Back to the mindless action … NSA Agent Gibbons (Samuel L, Jackson) forces Xander to infiltrate an underground Russian crime ring dubbed “Anarchy 99.”
The band of Andreas Helmigk look-a-likes rock out to Rammstein, initiate wild parties with almost nude women swimming in a fountain and plan to annihilate Prague with biological weapons. Sounds like a Mötley Crüe get together.
Joe:
When I first heard a “xXx” sequel was in the works, I was filled with excitement and anticipation. However, that euphoria was dampened somewhat when I learned that Vin would not be returning to his role of Xander Cage. How could there be a “xXx” without Mr. Diesel? There’s no way this movie could be cool without him, right?
Then I learned of his replacement: Ice Cube. If any man is badass enough to fill Vin’s shoes, it’s Cube. After all, Ice Cube is not for the pop charts. Do I even need to waste ink explaining what makes him a badass? After seeing him in “Torque,” I’m pretty confident he’s ready to take the action genre by storm. “xXx: State of the Union” should be nothing less than spectacular. It’s about time Hollywood got around to making some mindless action movies. I’ll see all you action fanatics in the theatre Friday (that actually was not an Ice Cube pun).
Yo, Derek. Drop English right about now.
Derek:
Needless to say, Xander infiltrates the gang and, eventually, the voluptuous Yelena, a Russian spy who has been embedded with the group Anarchy 99 for two years. Eventually both of their covers are blown and Xander is forced to go undercover. In the process he causes a massive avalanche, out-snowboards it and then is brought face-to-face with the Anarchy 99’s death machine — a high-tech, high-speed watercraft that is carrying missiles loaded with biological agents. In purely Schwarzeneggerish style, Xander rips out a missile, turns it upside down and then watches as the missile fires into the craft saving Prague and his hopes of a vacation in Bora Bora.
Stunts in this movie include Xander jumping over a 60-foot watchtower, dislodging, and punching a shocked guard. The move was clearly an offshoot of Van Damme’s motorcycle stunt in “Hard Target.” The movie also features one of the greatest one-liners in movie history. It might be better than “I’ll be back” or Seagal’s “Blood bank” one-liner. After Helmigk and the rest of Anarchy 99 finish business with Xander, they start off the party with the line “Bitches, come.” And in they come and in they, the fans, will come to “xXx: State of the Union.”
The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you!!! Are you excited for the upcoming release of “xXx: State of the Union?” Is there a burning action issue that needs to be brought to light?! Drop Derek and Joe a line or Tom Joy a Happy Birthday at [email protected]
