Maybe it’s the warm weather, but something is making the Last Action Heroes feel a bit historical this week. Now, over the past two semesters we’ve debated many things: who the best action star is, what the best action movie is and whether Badger Herald page designer Tom Joy is 5-foot-1 or an even 5-feet-tall (regardless of his height, he’s no good at softball). This week, though, we’ve decided to go all History Channel/VH-1 on the action industry and settle once and for all an important historical question: What was the best decade of action films? No D-list celebrities allowed in this debate, just Joe Ziemer and Derek Montgomery.
Joe:
Without a doubt, the ’90s were the premier decade in the action realm. There was never a greater time to be an adolescent youth with an impressionable mind waiting to be warped by Steven Seagal kicking guys in the ding dong and stabbing dudes in the head. Just take a look at some of the masterpieces produced in those glorious years: “Under Siege,” “Universal Soldier,” “Demolition Man,” “On Deadly Ground,” “Out for Justice,” “Hard Target,” both “Die Hard” sequels. These are classics, pure and simple. Heck, when the Last Action Heroes partook in the Action Bowl several months ago, both contenders — “Under Siege” and “Delta Force 2” — were released in the ’90s. Game, set, match. Besides, can we expect anything less than total awesomeness from a decade that gave us The Verve Pipe, Butthole Surfers and Deep Blue Something?
Derek:
I can’t believe I am even having this argument. The action spectrum across the entire ’80s from television to the big screen is unbroken, shining and an eternal profit force for the likes of TNT, Spike and TBS Superstation. Let me break it down …
“Die Hard.” “Tango & Cash.” “Rambo III.” “Delta Force.” “MacGyver.” “Over the Top.” “Rocky IV.” “Rambo II.” “Staying Alive.” “First Blood.” “Rocky III.” “Predator.” “The A-Team.” “Running Man.” “Command.” “The Terminator.” “Conan the Destroyer.” “Conan the Barbarian.” “Dukes of Hazard.” “Kickboxer.” “Cyborg.” “Bloodsport.” “Black Eagle.” “No Retreat, No Surrender.” “Above the Law.” Just reading off those titles makes one have to pause for a bathroom break. It’s not even a joke; it’s not even a contest. The ’80s, from start to end, from broadcast medium to broadcast medium, are easily the greatest 10 years in action movie history.
Joe went as far as to compare action greatness to such “great” bands as The Verve Pipe, Butthole Surfers and Deep Blue Something; which one of these bands has put out anything approaching the greatness of Seagal’s upcoming musical debut? That’s right, none. Like the rest of these bands, Joe’s argument belongs in the trash alongside the soiled tank top of Najeh Davenport’s ex-girlfriend.
Joe:
Not only did the ’90s have the most awesome action movies, the decade also had some totally radical action stars. Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Need I say more? These two ass-kicking machines are the Larry Bird and Magic Johnson of the action genre. They dominated the greatest 10-year span in action history, churning out great action films and successfully warping the minds of America’s youth. Honestly, what more can an action fan ask for than Seagal and Van Damme? This was simply an amazing rivalry, unparalleled in the illustrious history of action movies.
On one hand, you have the pony-tailed warrior, as proficient with a shotgun as he is with a wristlock. Then there is “The Muscles from Brussels,” legendary for his lethal kicks, accent and hideous mullet. C’mon D-Rock, we’ve spent column upon column trying to settle a long-running debate on which one of these two kings of violence are the greatest hero ever. Obviously, the years at which these two were in their primes are the best era for action.
Stop playin.’ You love Van Damme like most people love their dogs or Patrick Klemz loves alcohol. Hell, you created a Van Damme Facebook alias. Now you’re trying to say his heyday was not the best decade for action?! Don’t do JCVD like that. Don’t even think about doing JCVD like that.
I leave y’all with one vital statistic: Between the two of them, Seagal and Van Damme pumped out an astonishing 28 action films in the ’90s. Now that is what I call productivity, my friends. The ’90s were a wonderful time to be an action connoisseur, pure and simple, period. End of story. Case closed. Joe wins.
Derek:
Joe wins? That’s hilarious. Joe bases his entire argument on two characters. Well let’s try this on for size.
Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph God Damn Lundgren, MacGyver, Bruce Willis, Kurt Russel, Lou Diamond Phillips and Richard Gere all find action roles in the ’80s. As mentioned above, the roles they played are not to be taken lightly.
Between Schwarzenegger, Van Damme and Stallone, over 35 movies of blood, guts, spit, mud and one liners fell from the silver screen into the lifestyles of Americans everywhere. Hell, the one liner that all one liners measure up to was born in 1984 with “The Terminator.” “I’ll be back” are three words that define the action genre, but not Schwarzenegger’s action career.
Yes, the two greats Van Damme and Seagal put out more releases during the ’90s, but we are looking for quality and not quantity. The ’80s had MacGyver and the A-Team to go along with Stallone, Seagal, Van Damme and Schwarzenegger. Everywhere you looked it was action heaven.
The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you! Want to weigh in on this week’s debate?! Have a burning action question for the campus’s foremost action experts?! Contact Derek and Joe at [email protected]. Your comment or question could be featured in an upcoming column.
