Over the course of the past two semesters, the Last Action Heroes have taken part in many action-packed adventures. We have braved the worst the discount DVD bin has to offer. We have captured the elusive “Delta Force.” We have even dared to watch back-to-back episodes of “Walker, Texas Ranger.” Yet it seems one thing was noticeably absent. We had failed to examine one of the best action movies ever made. An outpouring of fan reaction ensued. Loyal readers like Robb Hoover and Peter Holmgren quickly alerted us of such an oversight. Today, we rectify that mistake. Today we delve into the 1985 masterpiece that is “Commando.” Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Schwarzenegger time.
Joe:
Long before he was known as “the Governator,” the illustrious Arnold starred as retired Colonel John Matrix in “Commando.” This is undoubtedly the greatest movie about a Matrix ever made. This is Schwarzenegger in his prime, killing legions of evil-doers and dropping one-liners. In “Commando” Arnold is invincible. He gets hit by a car going at least 25 miles per hour and pops up as if nothing happened. He runs head on into a light post while doing about 65 in a convertible and is absolutely unfazed. There is simply no chance Arnold was going to die in this movie. Not only is he impervious to automobile accidents, but to bullets as well. The one-liners just don’t stop. From “Don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired” to “Remember when I promised to kill you last? I lied,” Arnold brings the A-game in “Commando.”
Derek:
The intensity and versatility of action in “Commando” represents Arnold at the peak of his action hero legend. Action aficionados from Boston to Beirut had never seen and will never see again a figure so perfectly constructed for the action genre. It is safe to say that with “Commando” Arnold set the bar for those to follow. Five movies later with the filming of “Twins,” Schwarzenegger fell from his pedestal in the sky, yet “Commando” remains the icon of low budget, no plot action flicks. Marvelous.
Arnold does not hesitate to throw anything in the movie. One of the most intense scenes of the movie features Arnold cornering a villain in a phone booth and instead of ripping the door off and snapping his neck, Arnold picks up the phone booth with the villain inside and tosses it over his shoulder much to the dismay of the many families and children in the mall at the time. Somehow the villain survives and they start the third car chase of the movie (this scene takes place 20 minutes in). In order to stay concealed, Arnold rips out the passenger side car seat with one hand and then gets low like Lil Jon.
At the end of the movie, he finishes off a villain who resembles Freddy Mercury by ripping a steam pipe off the wall and throwing it at Mercury with more velocity and accuracy than Achilles in “Troy.” He follows up the kill by telling Queen’s lead singer to “Let some steam off.”
Joe:
“Commando” has a classic action plotline. In addition to being a huge badass, Arnold happens to be a loving father. His vile enemies take advantage of the later characteristic by abducting his daughter (played by a very young Alyssa Milano) and threatening to kill her unless Arnold kills some foreign leader.
The villain, whose name I believe is Bennett, is a rather sketchy-looking dude with a mustache who walks around — in public, mind you — wearing a chain-mail vest. Clearly, there are only two possible things he could be up to with a wardrobe like that: kidnapping children or going to Charles Parsons’ house to play Dungeons & Dragons.
In the process of chasing down bad guys, Arnold meets up with a hot chick who not only has a really fast car, but also happens to know how to fly a plane (I think she’s a keeper, Arnold). I hate to ruin the ending, but Arnold kills a whole bunch of bad guys and gets his daughter back.
Derek:
You can tell Arnold is a versatile man when the opening scene depicts him walking through the woods with a chainsaw in one hand and a tree trunk no less than 30-feet long on the other shoulder. Mind you he is walking through rough terrain up and down hills without paths, all unfazed.
Arnold uses everything in the book to kill his opponents. That’s probably why he was able to “eat green berets for breakfast.” On the list of murder weapons are rocket launchers, handguns, axes, hands, saw blades, pitchforks, hatchets, steam pipes and bedposts. After looking at the various gardening tools he used to flat line his opponents, you can safely say that he is one green thumb you don’t want to mess with.
Some of the more absurd kills find Arnold tossing villains by their balls and kicking the crap out of nine bad guys in less than one second.
Joe:
After a mere 10 minutes of “Commando,” there was no doubt in my mind that this film was worthy of four Steven Seagals. Half of me felt like having the DVD bronzed and placed upon my mantle. However, the other half of me quickly realized that would be a foolish move, since the disk would then be useless for further viewing. I think my favorite scene comes in the mall, when Arnold throws a phone booth … with a bad guy inside of it. He then proceeds to pummel a horde of mall security guards. Even the most secure mall in America (Seriously, it has more officers than the police department of my hometown) is no match for Arnold. Well done, Schwarzenegger, well done indeed. Bravo!
Derek:
We’re talking about a man who ripped a Masterlock apart with his bare hands and avoided whiplash despite hitting a light post head on at 65. Arnold had 88 out of 94 kills and 35 of 44 beatdowns. The ratios are unmatched in action movie history. Four Van Dammes for the enduring symbol of action greatness, “Commando.”
The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you!!! Have Derek and Joe overlooked your favorite action movie? If so, e-mail them at [email protected]. Your question or comment could be featured in an upcoming column!
