Voting seems to be the popular time-consumer this month. The Oscars have celebrities begging for ‘yays’ from their peers, and Iraqi elections went off without any major hitches. Just a note: not all votes are counted yet in Iraq’s first democratic decision since Saddam left his hole-office, and the suggested way to support the Middle Eastern country’s newfound liberty is to dye your finger blue. This method, while well-intentioned, has simply left the majority of America confused and looking around for a disgruntled smurf.
In a Super Bowl showcasing a clash of patriotic symbols, audiences were served a healthy dose of conservative this past Sunday. Commercials targeted the masses, Paul McCartney sang a clichéd, surpriseless halftime set, and the Lombardi trophy went to the team led by the nice boy schooled at Michigan instead of the one captained by the man with those scary cornrows.
Rumors recently surfaced that actor Robert Blake was forced into marriage by his late wife Bonnie Lee Bakeley (who he is being accused of murdering) due to her unexpected pregnancy. After his daughter’s birth, the ex-Beretta star is said to have planted drugs in his wife’s car in a scheme to jail Bakeley and gain sole custody of the child. The effort was foiled when the tackle box of cocaine was discovered by Bakeley’s daughter from a previous marriage. Blake next attempted to frame his wife by planting a bullet in her aorta.
This weekend in cinema news: a bundle of fresh movies are being unwrapped, all vying to save America from the awfully awful flicks that recently have inundated theaters. Hollywood’s latest have been oodles of wasted celluloid that, while being normal for February, should all still be required to have a Mr. Yuck sticker adorning their movie posters. Shining examples of suck-captured-in-a-bottle are films like “Boogeyman,” “Are We There Yet?,” “Elektra,” “Fat Albert” and “White Noise.” Don’t worry, that confused voice in your head saying, “Why haven’t I heard of those?” is COMPLETELY appropriate. Those movies did in fact all make money, which will inevitably be spent by the filmmakers to buy back their dignity.
The worst of the worst had to have been “Alone in the Dark” starring Stephen Dorff, Tara Reid and Christian Slater. Once again caress that accurate voice as it listens to that list and ponders: “Wasn’t he in that Britney reincarnation video?”, “Wait, she got it on with a pie, right?,” and “Kuffs is back? Sweet!.” The trio, mocking their own professional misfortune, reportedly argued on set about whose career was going best. Depressingly enough, the winner was one of the animatronic demons that they fight in the film. He is booked next month to host the Daytime Emmy’s.
Across the hall, more formidable movies will be playing this weekend. Will Smith has “Hitch”, a follow-up to his shockingly amazing “I, Robot,” and Winnie the Pooh is out to earn some honey with “The Heffalump Movie.” On more independent-minded screens, “Inside Deep Throat” and “Million Dollar Baby” are opening and expanding their run, respectively. The former is a documentary about the controversial ’70s mainstream porn film, and the latter is a boxing picture helmed by Clint Eastwood. Both movies explore the determination of the main characters to reach their goals after taking a shot in the mouth. In California, Mike Tyson allegedly stormed out of a “Million Dollar Baby” showing after an hour when he realized that it wasn’t a documentary about Lennox Lewis’ delicious children.
Now, just as Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher are leaving “That 70’s Show” next season, I too must exit and take with me a little something I like to call “the funny.” Don’t worry, though, I’ll be back next week — unlike those two ingrates. For now, breathe and think of the time Fabio got hit in the face by a goose while riding a roller coaster (look it up).
David Steinhaus is a Senior majoring in English and Communication Arts. He apologizes to his overweight friend for pushing the Slip ‘N Slide issue. David can be reached at [email protected]
