Dear Ben and Anissa,
My boyfriend, “Todd,” was recently deployed across seas. What’s the deal with long-distance relationships … are they do-able?
Sincerely, Distressed in the Midwest
Dear Distressed in the Midwest,
The reason our relationship has lasted as long as it has or has been as successful as it has is due in large part to our ability to overcome the experience of a long-distance relationship. Twice in our history together we have had to endure long distances. The first occurred when Ben was in Eau Claire for college and the second was last year, January, when Anissa studied abroad in Spain. Both instances were for extended periods of time, one lasted a year and a half and the second for six months. The reason we are giving you so much info on our past history is because we can look back and reflect on what we learned from the experience, and hopefully aid you in your predicament with Todd.
What determines whether or not a relationship can withstand long distance is the understanding between each person and evaluating the seriousness of the total bond you share. The bottom line is if each of you truly want it to work it will work, but this is not the case in all situations. Many people see distance as an opportunity to experience life outside of a relationship while still being in it, and that causes problems. So before you tackle a long-distance relationship, it is wise to address a few important aspects to making one work. Above all, communication is key. Without it you both will be lost and unaware of each other’s intentions. Talk about the issue of distance and make sure both of you are on the same page. By all means avoid getting drunk and then bringing it up … right, Anissa? That definitely does not work. What does work is finding common ground and time to discuss what is important to each of you.
If you do decide to go ahead and try the long-distance deal, be aware of another issue which ought to be addressed, and that is the willingness to make adjustments and compromises while apart. These include, and are not limited to, long needy talks on the phone, making a countdown until I arrived in Spain for a visit or puking while on the phone with me in the streets of Sevilla because of too many tequila shots at the TexMex restaurant … right, Anissa?
Okay, Ben. Well, here are a couple. How about chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels and getting violent at the bars, missing a midterm and the makeup because I wasn’t around to remind you to go, or going on surrogate movie dates with my best friend Courtney … right, Ben?
The point is that each of you needs to understand that when it comes to long-distance relationships, things will not be as they were when you both lived in close proximity to one another. Nights out with the girls or guys may turn into nights in with your cell phone and a phone card, but the time apart can be used to add a new dimension to your existing relationship.
Taking a creative approach to the situation often helps to alleviate the loneliness of separation. E-mail can become a large part of your life. Have fun with it and learn to send e-cards to one another. They’re free and it allows you to express your feelings in a new manner to your loved one. Even sending packages can become a fun interplay between visits. Try using 37 one-cent stamps as opposed to one stamp on your letters, or send naughty care packages across seas with lots of goodies inside.
These are important aspects to consider when thinking about the commitment to having a successful long distance relationship. The point is to stay actively involved in one another’s lives. Just because you are separated by space does not mean you need to be emotionally separated. Through communication, understanding and the willingness to make comprises for the overall benefit of the relationship, your long distance apart can and will work. Good luck.
