The deceased, yet immortal in spirit, Robert Palmer once prophesized, “You know your going to have to face it…you’re addicted to love.” It turns out Robert Palmer suffered from a severe case of the ’80s (a sickness that became a fatal epidemic with the emergence of Steve Gutenberg and Andrew Dice Clay) and that his addiction was wearing sport coats with blue jeans. But the key part here is that he nailed the first 11 words.
Everyone has an addiction, and the consequences of that addiction vary depending on how serious and harmful the need is. Robert Palmer and I want you to face it.
Alcoholics Anonymous taught us that the first step to solving this inner conflict is admitting we have a problem. Such as “My name is Joe College, and every weekend I drink enough alcohol to kill a small goat,” or “My name is Jane College, and I say the word ‘like’ so often that the people at Webster’s Dictionary were able to obtain a warrant for my arrest.”
Advertising also tries to aid our personal war by hurling questions at us in hopes that we answer yes to their patronizing and self-depreciating questions. Do you bite your nails so much that you now just lick the tip of your finger bone? Do you play John Madden football 2005 more than you blink? Are you a worthless human who is tired of being a worthless human? Is your staring problem causing you undeserved punishment at prison again?
While there is suggested help and many step-by-step processes, perhaps man should take their addiction in stride and make an impact on society. For instance, we can introduce video games to apes and have them utilize the joystick button every time they play. The game could be as simple as Atari’s Pong or Pac-man. Since apes never evolved opposable thumbs, we can use Darwin’s theory to the fullest and watch generation after generation of apes die until the video game mutation takes effect and only those with the genetics for a stronger, more nimble thumb will reproduce and successfully pass along their genes. Taking principles of Darwin and using them to commit primate genocide may not be very humane, but at least we did something with our addiction.
“Saved by the Bell” re-runs are also an addiction that many of us deal with, but have yet to serve any clear purpose except for the Screech Power’s solar system acronym MVEMJSUNP, which forever etched in the minds of anyone born between the years 1980 and 1986 the order in distance that the nine planets are from the sun. The praise for the show is quite high and deservingly so. Zach Morris was way ahead of his time by utilizing his cell phone constantly.
His cell phone, which is massive by today’s standards and looks like the gray hybrid of an armadillo and a building block, was exercised to its full potential and told a generation that it is cool to talk on a wireless phone in public. But let’s set aside our respect for the show and ask ourselves, “How can this show, which is syndicated on 19 cable networks and gets more publicity than Ralph Nader’s campaign, help out the future?” We could use it to enforce strict teenage stereotypes so that the world won’t have to deal with prejudice.
From now on, every human has until the age of 5 to decide if they are Zach, Kelly, A.C. (a.k.a. Albert Clifford) Slater, Lisa, Screech or Jessica. If you’re a black guy, you have no choice but to be the creepy nerd with the scratchy voice who always dressed up like a bee. If you’re Asian…well there were no Asians on “Saved By the Bell,” so unfortunately you and your race will have to get going.
Our society tends to focus on drug addiction and all its negativity. What we should do is focus on the infatuations that are enjoyable and can do nothing but help and evolve the human race. Now to be fair to drug addicts, I can’t say that being strung out on black tar heroin or whoring myself out for cocaine isn’t pleasant and helpful because I’ve never experienced it. But they have AA, DARE and the Betty Ford clinic. We are forced to utilize our own, non-government funded means to satisfy our needs. So take control of your addiction and smile on your brother.
Oh yeah. Go Bayside, Beat Valley.
Think you have a topic Rick could use? I thought so. Send your ideas to [email protected] He might even mention your name in the paper, which would give you a level popularity that only Ron Dayne experiences.
