This semester is wrapping up very quickly, and most of us students are faced with the dilemma of deciding how to balance our remaining time with our current classes with our social agenda. Yes, it is that time of year, when the libraries are actually at full occupancy and all that material that you put off must be absorbed into your head, which for some reason, feels like it is going to burst.

Not to mention your last-minute paper assignments are driving you mad, as is reading an entire semester’s worth of class material. You are contemplating how to best and most efficiently get everything done so that you have decent grades for the semester. Well, for all students in my audience who thought I was speaking directly to them, I would like to provide a little relief with some deliriously comical insights about sex.

I suppose we’d better start with the obvious. I have come to realize that I have a very dirty mind. I’ve been told that it is a terrible thing to waste, so I feel much better about it. It’s not that I am intentionally focusing on one of my favorite pastimes, but I always find my brain turning the most innocent sight, sound, touch, taste, or thought into something sexual.

For example, I could be eating soup, and talking online to someone about ballet, and my train of thought would look something like this: ballet … dance … exotic dance … lap dance … SEX!!!! Well, that’s about how my mind translates everything, but I’m a guy — apparently we’re supposed to think about sex approximately 90 percent of the time.

Isn’t it surprising how often something really funny happens when you are getting all hot and heavy with someone? Whether it’s an accidental burp (okay, more gross than funny), the accidental bump during a kiss — yes, the one that sometimes happens when you hesitate about which side you want to lean to, or something crazier like falling off of the bed completely in the heat of the moment, making both people laugh — it’s hard to concentrate on getting back to the task at hand.

On a serious note, I have found that laughing after something like this is the best way to deal with it. When you are both laughing, there isn’t enough time to get embarrassed.

Condoms can be a source of entertainment as well. I think it would be fun to have a water balloon fight with condoms. As an added bonus, they kind of look like torpedoes. Then again, that would be wasteful, unless you only used condoms that have already expired.

Speaking of that, you know it’s been a while since you last had sex if most of the condoms in your drawer are past their expiration date. Has anyone else ever wondered how condoms are made? I mean, who has the unlucky job of rolling all those condoms up at the Trojan factory? And how do they roll them up so perfectly every time?

Imagine what their job title would be — probably something like “Assistant in Charge of Packaging: Roll-Up Specialist”.

I have also found myself wondering why I always end up grabbing the wrong side of the condom when I am putting one on in the dark. The problem is that it rolls on fine till about halfway down; then it becomes really awkward because your partner is sitting there looking at her watch, wondering if you’ve ever had sex before.

Ending my thoughts about the humorous aspects of sex is the pick-up scene. It can be more entertaining than any pub game just to watch people. Among the funnier types of people one can observe at most Madison bars is what I like to call the “bargain shopper.”

This is the person (guy or girl) who has one thing on his or her mind — getting laid. This person can be seen approaching many people, starting with the person he or she is most attracted to. If and when he or she is denied, they make a mental note and proceed to approach their second favorite, and so forth until either they succeed or are forced to leave at bar time.

The funniest part of this desperate type is that sometimes they are too drunk to remember whom they have already approached. Both the realization of this mistake by the bargain shopper and the reaction of the person who is being approached for the second or third time by said shopper are hilarious.

Well, I hope this week’s “Morning Wood” has lightened the atmosphere of a campus awaiting the impending doom of finals week. If you need a break this week, please e-mail [email protected] and tell me what thing or things is/are most “sexy” to you. Your answer could be an attitude, look, inanimate object or eye color. Just tell me what is most sexy by your definition — it might grace the pages of “Morning Wood” next week.

Support the Roll-Up Specialists Union, and help them keep their repetitive jobs — use a condom!