Do yourself a favor: Take that Cosmo magazine and use it to wipe up the beer spills from last weekend’s party. Grab your latest issue of Maxim and use it as a convenient replacement for the lack of toilet paper in your apartment (ouch).
In other words, you don’t need these magazines anymore. There’s a new guy in town who is here to answer all your questions on love, life, and what to do when it’s Saturday morning and you wake up next to someone you’ve never seen before in your life, wearing only a sock and a plastic beer cup to cover yourself.
Who can afford therapy nowadays? I’m here to answer your prayers, and at no cost to you! Here’s my offer: Free advice from me, Dr. Johnny Problems, that you will be able to enjoy and cherish for the rest of your days here at Madison, or at least until you fold up this newspaper and decide to actually pay attention to what the lecturer just said about hydrogen bonding. My guarantee? If you don’t like my advice, you can disregard it, go on with your life, and even keep the free gift!
Besides, it’ll give you a chance to see a piece of your life in the paper, and no one will ever know that it’s you.
By now, you’re probably wondering “Who does this yahoo think he is, going around, giving advice without an advice license?” The answer? You’ll never know. I might be the guy who held the door for you at Grainger Hall, or I could be the one who dashed into Biochemistry with 15 minutes of class left. I can assure you that I’m not the guy who ran naked across beloved Camp Randall during that night game before the Rose Bowl last year. Sorry.
You’ve heard of Dr. Laura, Ann Landers and Dear Abby, right? Well, I’m not them; I’m just a guy here on campus trying to make his way through life and enjoying the ride, just like you.
So, like every column, we gotta have rules. There aren’t many, so calm down. First, email me letters at [email protected]. Try not to write me a novel, because I’m still a university student, and I have other things to do. Less than 200 words would be great.
Next, let’s keep the language to a minimum, all right? There are thousands of words in the dictionary, I’m sure you can find words to replace the five of them that we can’t print.
Finally, keep yourself anonymous. Sign your emails using only your first name and your year in school. For example: Barbie, Junior. Unless you feel some strange desire to have the whole campus know about your innermost secrets, this is probably the best choice for you. We’ll feature the column each week around this time, so look for it then.
So, write in! What’ve you got to lose? It’ll be fun, and you might actually learn something when it’s all over. That is what you’re here for, isn’t it? In the meantime write in to [email protected] with your questions, and don’t hold back.
Remember, I’m just here to help!