Year of the Dog

· Sep 10, 2001 Tweet

2001 has earned the titles, among others, of first year of the millennium and the Chinese year of the snake. But when it comes down to it, who cares? In terms of Hollywood, this has been the year of the dog, particularly this summer. Granted, 100-plus years of film versus a single year is an unfair match-up, but in the spirit of fantasy football, let us take a look at just how poorly 2001 stacks up against historical counterparts.

“Planet of the Apes” vs. “Planet of the Apes”

An easy push ? right? Wrongo. Tim Burton is doing for remakes what Richard Pryor did for crack — he’s scaring people away. Hollywood needs to take their damn dirty hands off of classic movies.

EDGE: History

“Jurassic Park 3” vs. “Jaws 3”

When animals attack, box-office records fall. After two episodes, “JP” got stale while “Jaws” went and got better. In fact, “JP” owes some credit to “Jaws 3,” one of the first to take the whole “When Animals Attack” deal to a theme park.

EDGE: History

Julia Roberts vs. Elizabeth Taylor

While Roberts has demonstrated an inability to take it to the hole and finish, she nonetheless has the names Kiefer Sutherland, Lyle Lovett, Jason Patric, Matthew Perry, Daniel Day-Lewis and Benjamin Bratt scratched in her bedpost. Still, with Richard Burton and six other guys, Taylor takes the cake — the wedding cake, that is.

EDGE: History

“The Mummy” vs. “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”

Harrison Ford versus Brendan Fraser is like Cocoa Pebbles versus Grape Nuts — no contest. Still, the two feel eerily similar, and one has to wonder if a family adventure/action/comedy like the “Jones” movies could ever make it among today’s violence-craving moviegoers.

EDGE: History

Hugh Jackman vs. Wilt Chamberlain

Jackman says he’s bedded over 750; Chamberlain, 20,000. Jackman takes the edge because A.) He’s a better liar. B.) He’s better looking. C.) He’s Australian, making 750 all the more believable.

EDGE: 2001

“Moulin Rouge” vs. “Cabaret”

Probably the only positive to come from this summer, and surely the most inspired, “Moulin Rouge” is a new-millennium version of the shady Liza Minnelli musical. A true “Cabaret 2001.”

EDGE: 2001

“American Pie 2” vs. “Porky’s Revenge”

While “American Pie” had holes in pies, “Porky’s” had holes in shower stalls — with better things on the other side. But when it comes to sequels, it seems Hollywood is getting a little more creative these days. “American Pie 2” proves T&A and teen comedy are a match made in Hollywood heaven.

EDGE: 2001

“Final Fantasy” vs. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”

Disney and Squaresoft may not be too similar, but the animation strides taken in “Final Fantasy” seem comparable to those of the first feature-length Disney film. Sharing the similar theme of a strong woman and the men around her, “Snow White” wins for capitalizing on the inherent humor in movie midgets.

<- B>EDGE: History

<- B>“Rat Race” vs. “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”

A simple breakdown.

-In DEFENSE of “Rat Race”: Jon Lovitz, John Cleese and Rowan Atkinson.

-OFFENSIVE aspects of “Rat Race”: Whoopi Goldberg, Breckin Meyer, Cuba Gooding Jr., Seth Green and Smash Mouth.

-“It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World,” on the other hand, was an all-pro squad with the likes of Jonathan Winters, Spencer Tracy and Buddy Hackett.

EDGE: History, in a landslide.

It’s that simple. Year of the dog. Then again, there’s always December.

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This article was published Sep 10, 2001 at 12:00 am and last updated Sep 10, 2001 at 12:00 am

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