I JUST HAD SEX! And it felt so good.

Welcome, fellow Badgers, to a brand new year of the Hump Day column! We’re your new pair of nympho columnists and we’re ready to get hot and heavy. This year, you can expect to hear from us about everything from fetishes to the female orgasm, from male sex toys to masturbation. But more important than the topics we love are the topics you want us to write about, and we want to hear them all.

So this year, we’re challenging you to challenge us. Send us your questions and your dirt, your secret skills and techniques, your best vibrator hiding places, and your all-time favorite porno scenes. We want to hear it. And we know you’re dying to spill.

But before we get to your questions, let us tell you about ourselves:

Sam: Sam here, just your friendly neighborhood sexual health educator. I’m a part-time nerd and a full-time sex-positive person. You can stop by to visit me in the Sex Out Loud or PAVE office and grab some free safer sex supplies.

Amie: And me? I just like talking about sex. Seriously. Any time, day or night. By email, phone, fax, Facebook or Skype. If you also like talking about sex you can email me ([email protected]) anytime you like. Or you could buy me a cup of tea. I promise I don’t bite too hard.

Now, on to some questions:

Q: Is there any way I can make my cum taste better?

Sam: Eat more fruits and veggies! Food with high water concentrations like watermelon, celery, pineapple and cantaloupe give ejaculate a lighter, sweeter taste. Try to avoid coffee and beer – they can make cum taste bitter (I know, the two most common beverages of choice for college students, but it’s true). And, of course, avoid asparagus if you’re planning on getting head. Trust me.

Q: What’s the difference between his pleasure, her pleasure and shared pleasure condoms?

Sam: His pleasure condoms usually have extra room in the head and/or are lubed-up on the inside. Of course you could (and should) add a few drops of lube to the inside of a condom anyway. Her pleasure condoms have ribs and/or studs (raised lines or dots) on the lower part of the condom, which feels oh-so-good when they rub the outer third of the vagina. Shared pleasures have a combination of the aforementioned features. Try them all and let us know which one you loved most!

Q: I don’t want to spend money on lube. What are some of my options?

Sam: My dear Badger, you should never have to pay for safer sex supplies while living anywhere near a college campus! You already bought them with your segregated fees. Sex Out Loud, the Campus Women’s Center and the LGBT Campus Center all carry multiple types of lube, so stop in when they’re open to pick some up! Of course, there’s always the ancient tried and true spit. Massage oils and syrups like chocolate sauce are also alternatives. Just remember that you can’t use oil-based lube with latex condoms, and sugar can cause yeast infections.

Q: Is it true that girls can get boners?

Amie: Sort of. When women get sexually aroused, a couple of things happen. First, blood rushes to the blood vessels in the genital region in a process called vasocongestion, causing that tingly feeling you get down there when you’re horny. Then, during orgasm, the muscles of the vaginal wall contract in a process called myotonia. The accumulation of blood in the genitals causes the clitoris to swell and the vagina to lubricate or become wet, which causes the erection of the genital tissues. So not a traditional boner, per se, but erect genital tissue nonetheless.

Q: Will getting my tonsils out help me deep throat?

Amie: Please don’t drop five grand to get them out for that purpose, because, physiologically, it won’t help you out at all … and this is coming from a girl who has had her tonsils out for years. When giving head, your gag reflex is triggered not by the penis coming into contact with your tonsils, but with your soft palate. A good way to get around triggering this reflex is to perform fellatio on your partner in the sideways-69 position. The angle will allow you to take your partner’s penis much deeper into your throat without gagging. You could also talk to your partner and have him help you practice relaxing the muscles in your throat. The better you know your own body, and how it reacts to certain stimuli, the better you’ll be able to perform.

Q: What’s the largest penis ever recorded?

Amie: You sure you want to know? You asked for it. The current owner of the world’s largest penis is a man named Jonah Falcon, who measures 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches around … ouch. Up for some more crazy sex records? Horst Schultz holds the world record for the farthest (18’9″) and fastest (42.7mph) ejaculation. Porn star Lisa Sparxxx holds the record for the largest gangbang after fucking 919 men in a single day. And the winner of the World Masturbation-a-thon, Masanobu Sato, beat (no pun intended) his own world record by whacking off for 9 hours and 58 minutes straight. Props.