Some of my recent articles have relied mostly on my knowledge of bodily fluids … and I apologize. But, then I started thinking — why should I change?

So … sweat: everyone does it, but where is it on television? Either way, there needs to be more of it. Whenever anyone exercises in any TV show, more often than not the actors look like they just walked out of a pet-grooming salon. Personally speaking, after going for a 15-minute run, my shirt is so wet it turns clear.

Sweating is overly present in the general public. In fact, I often walk into a crowded room or an elevator and ask, "Guess whose back is sweaty?" Think about Buffy from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." She is running around like a crazy person half the time and her hair is only somewhat tussled.

Compare this to real life: David Ortiz from the Boston Red Sox looks like he just took a shower every time he's up to bat, and he's only a designated hitter. He only stands four times a game. He doesn't spend 17 minutes killing the undead every episode. Sure, girls may not sweat but glow, but she should be glowing like the sun after all that. She should at least be sporting pit-stains. Everyone would have pit-stains if they wore a shirt long enough. In fact, my roommate has pit-stains on the back of his pants. But so worn in they're brown.

Not only is there the lack of sweatiness, but the fear of sweatiness. I often think I'm taking a gamble when I stand up from sitting all day in class — there could be massive sweat reservoirs on the back of my thighs. I remember this one time I was fishing all day — just sitting on a boat, not exerting any energy (despite the massive lunkers I was hauling in, of course) — and when I stood up, I spilled up about four gallons of the salty fluid into my pants. I think I traumatized my niece for life ("Uncle Matt sat on a fish tank."). You won't see these fears when Jack McCoy stands up from listening to hours of defense cross-examination.

This fear of sweatiness obviously leads to thoughts and fears of smelliness. I normally type on my laptop on my bed — a smelly, sweaty place in its own right. I often am afraid that that stink rubbed off on the seat of my jeans. If I am staring at someone in class, mostly it's because I'm trying to sense if they smell my bedspread stink. By the time I get to my last class in Vilas Hall, I can tell that the aftershave I put on the small of my back is wearing out.

And, what if someone smells my pee? I once had a roommate that ate so much asparagus that I could smell the essence of his pee, his peessence if you will, hours after he used the bathroom. That is why I just eat neutral foods, like bread.

Invariably, people do get sick on sitcoms. When Eric Forman got sick in "That 70s Show," he didn't wake up with buckets catching sweat on the side of his bed. When I had mono, I needed to change my boxers about three times every night. I'm not kidding; I had dreams where I was swimming in the Great Salt Lake.

I propose that the FCC mandates reality factors in television — such as sweat and fear of peessence. This will only preserve American confidence in TV again.

Matt Dolbey is a UW senior with an unhealthy fascination with bodily fluids … not that there's anything wrong with that. He can be reached at [email protected].