The Olympics have a long tradition of testing nations' best athletes. But in the modern world, there are few natural athletes. Instead we have only those who are groomed for excelling in their respective fields. In honor of the games in Torino, I propose combining several different fields to create new match-ups.
First of all, we have to start with snowball fights. Why this is not an event yet eludes me. We have the luge and skeleton; why not have someone from a New York high school get a snow job in the mountains of Italy? The human-interest piece on them would be fantastic. Ice balls would equal an immediate disqualification.
The obvious next new game would be naked snow angels after sitting in a hot tub. Points would be given for speed and beauty of snow angel.
The creators of "American Idol" are blatantly ignoring a tie-in. Olympians should participate in a talent contest of their own. After dancing and singing and that — and I mean immediately after — the athletes would have to put plastic bags over their heads until they passed out. More points come from more time before unconsciousness.
Playing broomball on a frozen lake while dressed up as the characters of "Star Trek" (for example, a team of Romulans vs. a team of Klingons), but without pads — and by broomball, I mean using weapons the two species would use during warfare to hit the ball around.
Other traditional games should include bloody knuckles, pistol-whipping, worst sweaty-winter-jacket smell, longest slide on an icy sidewalk and paintball wars using frozen paintballs.
During some of my online research on my roommate's computer for this column, I saw that there are plenty of athletes — and an ample market — for my next proposal: the porn events. I don't like to speculate, but I think innocent young American schoolgirls, pizza-delivery guys and both male and female nurses, single Russians, Japanese and many of the "Latina" countries would dominate this set of events. There could be a multitude of events, but the list would be pared down to how the judges are feeling and how good their stamina is that day. Maybe this should be in the summer games.
I'd also like to propose something I call the Car Games. This next set of events may be limited to male drivers and people who aren't from Illinois. The brand of car would depend on the country in which the Olympics are taking place. Since this year's games are in Italy, the cars must be Ferraris. The competition would consist of driving in whiteout conditions in the middle of town and starting a car with a dead battery during a snowstorm.
Another key winter event could center on how fast a competitor can shove a body into a wood chipper. This would be paired with how fast an obese man can deliver presents. It's a relay.
I have also long thought that sports fishing and ice fishing have been missing from the Olympics. How exciting would it be to see a bunch of creepy old guys sitting in the middle of a big lake for five hours at a clip and see maybe five or 10 fish between all of them?
The final game suggestion I leave you with is how many metal poles an athlete can stick his tongue on and rip off in five minutes.
While I highly doubt the Olympic Committee will ever consider my proposed events, I can still dream. Maybe 10 years down the road, children will cheer for the new star body-chipper.
Matthew Dolbey is a UW student who's "getting on" Febreezing his closet. He can be reached at [email protected].
