A young woman told me in the first discussion of my college career that watching television may lead to the dumbing down of America. This argument may have been more persuasive had I not heard it the night before on Fox News and had not known how to retort. However, she defended her beliefs and said after she reads her New York Times and reads BBC reports online, she feels more informed — even better about herself. Though I love the Internet and its photoshopped pictures of llamas with little children, the Internet is not as easy to love as TV. It's hard to click around when your hands are full. Err, like during lunchtime. Why don't the masses see television for what it is: a beautiful thing.
Many argue television, and cable television in particular, lacks substantial news coverage, missing important stories. Au contraire! May I point your attention to a show I think we're all familiar with: ABC's 20/20. How can we forget the powerful report about circumcisions gone wrong, where forty-year-old men are still flailing in despair from a botched procedure during infancy. This man interviewed, a one-inch-man, so to speak, wept bitterly in the camera talking about how when his lovely counterparts turn on the lights, they laugh. How shocking.
How can one not wonder what it would be like to have the misfortune to be on the receiving end of such a botched procedure? Instead of being affectionately called "Mr. Poopypants" by your adoring wife, the prostitute on the wrong side of town would name you "Captain Tuna Can."
Television is also available all the time, an eternal changing screen of entertainment and learning. As the day goes on, newspapers will stay the same — can't change the print instantaneously … yet (Everyone knows what I'm talking about if they saw "Minority Report" the other day on Pay-Per-View). But, television, you're immediately taken to the scene. "Why, no, Chuck, I didn't know there was a car chase going on in Houston. But, I will stay until after the commercial to see live footage, and I'll get pretzels."
The redeeming qualities of television extend to infomercials. This tool used by seemingly the smartest inventors in America draw in a viewer like no newspaper can. From the "Magic Bullet" blender to "6 Second Abs," America's brightest peddle their wares from 2 to 5:30 in the morning. "Ron, you got to be kidding me! I cannot believe if I break it, despite running over it with my Ford Escort between classes, you'll replace it free of charge. And throw in a blowjob?" And where else can you see half-naked 4-year-olds than daytime commercials peddling pediatric shampoo. All this and you don't have to be a card-carrying member of N.A.M.B.L.A. (North American Man/Boy Love Association). I think my roommate has these commercials for Johnson and Johnson on his computer, but only for research for the case Curley v. NAMBLA (look it up, it's a real case). Or made he just said something about courting Curley, I forget.
Not only does television prove to be a powerful marketing tool, but it also gives the story of the human condition: especially "Star Trek: The Next Generation" and "Law & Order."
The real value of television is taking a daily look into life of years past. How would "Seinfeld" be if the motley crew had cell phones? I would argue it would change the entire dynamic of the show. How will we be remembered? The first generation to have easily accessible drunk dials? We could only be so lucky.
Matthew Dolbey is a UW student interviewing for new jobs by referencing the Discovery Channel. He can be reached at [email protected].
