You think you’re cool with the $5 off Toppers coupon you keep using because the delivery guy never asks for it? You think getting two medium two-topping pizzas and a 16-piece Parmesan bread bites from Domino’s for $14.99 makes you cool? Do you eat Freschetta and tell yourself it’s just as good as the real thing? Well, I’ve got news for you: Toppers sucks, Domino’s sucks, Freschetta sucks, and you’re doing delivery wrong.
I know you’re poor. And I know you love pizza. But trust me, you’re doing it wrong.
Now listen up, because I’m about to drop some knowledge on y’all. Without further ado, here is…
DELIVERY PIZZA 101
Lesson #1: Papa Murphy’s is Your Best Friend
Right now you’re probably thinking, “Who is Murphy, and who did he sire, and why should I care about him?” Well, Papa Murphy’s is a pizza company, and they make raw pizzas that you take home and cook in the oven yourself. Before you shy away from any pizza-baking responsibility, think about this: your kitchen = the restaurant. That means the freshest delivery-quality pizza possible, because the pizza gets delivered in literally no time at all. And the delivery vehicle is your hand, not a beat-up 1992 Ford Taurus in Awkward Green with a plastic Domino’s sign slapped on the roof.
Lesson #2: Coupons Are A Must
Particularly the ever-present $7 For A Large One-Topping Papa Murphy’s Pizza coupon, which can be found here (click on the link that says “4 Papa Murphy’s Coupons”). If that link is out of date, you can literally Google “papa murphy’s coupons” at any time of year and it should come up in some form within the top three results. Get this coupon and get the cheapest large pepperoni (or ham or sausage or some other meat) you’ll ever find.
Lesson #3: Time To Go Grocery Shopping
Go to the grocery store. Get black olives. Get fresh tomatoes. Get onions. Get a real jalepe?o. Colby-jack shredded cheese. Get anything your little heart desires to have on a pizza, and make sure it’s the cheapest stuff they have. The sky is the limit, and I promise your total, combined with the $7 pizza, will be less than the $20+ any other delivery place like Domino’s, Toppers or Pizza Hut would demand for the same, not-as-fresh product.
Lesson #4: You Can Probably Guess What Happens Next
Go home, preheat your oven, pile on the goods, and stick that thing in the oven. And smile, because in about 25 minutes you’re going to have a delicious, ooey gooey, supremedeluxeultimatestuffed personal pizza creation that cost you way less than your next-door neighbors ordering a $10 small pizza from Glass Nickel. You’re doing pizza like a boss. Don’t get me wrong, Glass Nickel is amazing. But that’s for when you’re a REAL boss earning a billion dollars a year (you know, like four years from now). For now, Papa Murphy’s is your home. Your crib. Your digs. Your spread. Gangsta.
