The words “New FOX comedy” elicits a couple distinct reactions from television viewers. Some may erupt in giddy squeals, delighted in the newfound opportunity to lose themselves in a hapless world of nonsensical non-consequence. Others might simply try (and usually fail) to mask their disdain behind a fa?ade of indifference. It may be a new rule and social convention that this phrase be used to determine whether or not a potential friend is worthy of a proposed congenial relationship. Maybe when the phrase is less loaded one way or the other–so basically after FOX makes two more versions of “Unhitched,” and one more version of “Arrested Development.”

“Sons of Tucson” premiered last Sunday with a season opener that included boatloads of idiocy, septuagenarian perversions, moral negligence, and lots of other creepy stuff. Take the very premise, for example. Tyler Labine (“Tucker and Dale vs. Evil”) stars as Ron Snuffkin, a homeless guy working at a sporting goods store, who is hired by three children on the run to pose as their father in order to prevent them from being put through foster care. Doesn’t this sound like a hilariously comedic show already? Doesn’t this sound like the series finale will involve a courtroom climax with felony charges?

The children are New Jersey exiles whose father was jailed for some criminally fraudulent banking activity. Brandon (Matthew Levy, “The Misinventions of Milo Weatherby”) is the oldest. He is the attractive cool one and a huge ditz. Gary (Frank Dolce, “Doubt”) is the burdened middle child who is also in high school with Brandon. Gary is the brains of the operation, and consequently is the most stressed out of the bunch. Robby (Benjamin Stockham, “Quarantine”) is the youngest, gentile-looking child who serves as the X factor (which will probably mean he can do random things that will act as a deus ex machina of sorts, lame).

The kids are precocious and have must display a lot of smarts in order to justify their ability to get from New Jersey to Tucson relatively trouble free. The problem is with money. The formula is reminiscent of “Malcom in the Middle,” but the lower-middle class family in that show was sympathetic without being pathetic. The “Sons of Tucson” are bratty and have too much money. They own their own mcmansion, and don’t even let their prosthetic father into the house until later in the season. The children are exaggerated stereotypes of East coast street smarts and aggressive competition, which makes them unlikeable initially.

Labine’s performance is entirely too close of an approximation to Jack Black in “School of Rock.” The oafish man-child trades in his laziness and utter lack of ambition for emotional sensitivity and a goofy, lovable nature. He likes to have a good time, but also understands people and it seems clear that Snuffkin has conned his way through most of his life by tricking people or getting them to feel sorry for him. The show’s first few episodes slowly begin to build the dynamic of the show, which has less potential for substance in an entire season than even one episode of NBC’s “Joey.” The unhygienic Snuffkin will surely grow into his newfound responsibilities just as the children begin to benefit and take shape under the guidance of a morally principled and caring man that can actually spare time for them (unlike their imprisoned biological father, who apparently SPOILER ALERT never had time to teach Robby how to throw a ball).

There’s one catch to this summation of at least three potential seasons–There are no moral principles, and the lessons of the show are that shortcuts, cheating, and general laziness and half-assing win the day. The character dynamic is as if Jack Black was the dad in “Malcolm in the Middle,” except with no Jane Kaczmarek to ground the show in awesomely vicious mom-style bitching. The boys’ club feel of the show results in a slightly less infuriating viewing experience (because they goof off a little) than what the premise convince, but the strange perversity of it all coupled with characters that are either tired, irritating, or both make the show, as a whole, just plain abysmal.

1 out of 5 stars