As Babe Ruth once (probably fictitiously) said to Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez in “The Sandlot”: “Heroes get remembered, kid, but legends never die.”

The Badger Herald aka “Gentle Clowns” will cement itself in the history books with a convincing victory over the Daily Cardinal in the two campus news organizations’ (that term is used loosely in the Cardinal’s case) annual football game.

Although the Gentle Clowns won the softball game in the spring, they will be looking to snap a two-year losing streak in football.

“I’m telling you, the numbers, they just don’t add up,” Gentle Clown Publisher John “Call Me J-Bats” Batterman said, a common phrase he’s uttered this past year. “Whatever, at least we’ve got this keg of Natty Light to keep us warm.”

Two key losses have hit the Gentle Clowns’ morale hard this year. Someone finally decided to put former Sports Editor Dan “Grandpa” Corcoran in a nursing home, making the world a safer place. Eric “I’m So Old I Could Be Your Dad” Kohlbeck followed his real passion of conning Illinois toll takers, and no one has seen him in months.

A young crop of Gentle Clowns looks to carry the torch and honor their elders. Eric “Come Join Our Stats Department” Goldsobel will lead a young receiving corps ready to break out.

“I was a Division-III soccer recruit,” Goldsobel exclaimed to no one, while guzzling red wine out of a plastic water bottle. “I’m so wine drunk, oh my god.”

The Gentle Clowns’ largest offensive threat lies in quarterback Tyler Lane. He’s actually, like, good at football. Seriously.

Editor-In-Chief Aliya “I’m Not Your Mother But I’ll Act Like It Anyway” Iftikhar returns to the helm. She’s been tirelessly working on her chugging abilities, leaving Dirty Bird EIC Jim “Gingervitis” Dayton little-to-no chance.

“I’m like really good at drinking now,” Iftikhar said. (Probably all of those nights at Plaza.)

But after Iftikhar and Dayton throw back a beer, a game must be played.

As in any Iftikhar-led team, expect it to be a physical game with a side dish of awkward high fives.

Sports Editor Nick “LIT” Brazzoni might show up if he’s not too busy hanging out with Internet-famous folk and make solid contributions to the Herald product. As a shutdown corner, Brazzoni will plan to maintain a stronghold on the left side of the field along with the keg on the sidelines.

“There’s about five ways to describe this game: Lit, lit, lit, uhhhh LIT and probably lit,” Brazzoni said.

Now, fellow Sports Editor Chris “HERE COMES THE” Bumbaca has apparently established a reputation for being a little mentally unstable after some physical altercations during last year’s game. While interviewing him for this piece, we can confirm that is 100 percent accurate.

“I’d like to apologize to those at the Cardinal who may have felt threatened last year,” Bumbaca began. “Sike! You’re all losers, don’t come over the middle on your routes or you’ll wind up in your grave.”

A true psychopath.

Artsetc Editors Audrey “I <3 Donald Trump” Piehl and Riley “In Soviet Russia, Vodka Drink You!” Vetterkind are clamoring to write a review of the game, and it’ll probably read: “Herald Rules, Cardinal Drools, #P’WNED.”

On the Cardinal side, word is Jake “Same Clothes Guy” Powers finally bought new boots, cashing in his old ones that were literally held together by duct tape for footwear that might actually look reasonable. It’s a bold strategy, but we’ll see how it plays out for him.

Other key contributors include Amy “Fall A” Sleep, who is willing to suffer a ruptured spleen in a recreational football game, Alix “Da bro” Debroux, who ain’t afraid to throw an elbow and Briana “Fun?” Reilly.

Rachael Lallensack will be a game-time decision, as she may still be in the office editing Monday’s content.

Banter Editor Aaron “Craps on Campus” Hathaway will look to contribute on defense, especially after his trial as wide receiver resulted in him getting hit in the throat with the football. Recently signed free agent Luke Schaetzel will lead the defense with hatred as hot as 1,000 suns, similar to the type he exuded toward “College Painters.”

Photo editor Joey “Showtime” Reuteman brings a strong football background from his glory days playing football at the University of Arrowhead. While most U of A alums think they are better than they actually are, Joey knows how good he is and backs it up, so look for him to use that confidence to crush some Dirty Birds into the ground.

Finally, after a stealthy appearance on the Dirty Bird’s cover a few weeks ago, Max “Rosé” Rosenberg will lead the charge to outflank the Cardinal en route to their keg.

“Beat them in football, take their beer,” Rosenberg said. “Simple as that.”