Holt

It’s a trap!

Officials at the University of Mississippi passed a measure allowing students to vote on who the school’s next mascot will be. The Rebels’ old mascot, Colonel Reb, was put into retirement in 2003 after concerns his confederate visage would be offensive.

So who’s the frontrunner to be the next mascot at Ole Miss?

Admiral Ackbar, of Star Wars fame.

According to the movement’s website, notatrap.org, “Who wants a colonel when you can have an admiral?”Hopefully not the Ole Miss student body.

That would be just silly. Ackbar would be an afterthought if not for the Internet and his single cry of “It’s a trap!” With the cash cow the Star Wars franchise is, how much do you think George Lucas would ask for in exchange for using the Ackbar image?

Besides, mascots are especially creepy when they’re not animals. For reference, check Stanford’s George Romero-esque zombie Christmas tree or even more terrifyingly, Pistol Pete of Oklahoma State and his terrifying oversized plastic head. Nothing against the Mon Calamari race, but there is very little about a man-like talking scrotum-head-with-eyes that screams, “Hug me,” to small children. Not quite the same merchandising potential as Bucky dolls, right?

Colonel Reb had to go because he didn’t represent the student body as a whole. So why does Ackbar, who is just one of many alien species that comprise the Rebel Alliance, get to be singled out as the sole Rebel?

This is a university we’re talking about; it’s not a South Park Elementary-caliber douches vs. turds debate. There are years of tradition surrounding the school, and the Rebels are going to be represented by a minor Star Wars character at football games? Can you say, “Regrettable decision in retrospect?”

May the Force be with Ole Miss if it makes this mistake.

Schelling

Don’t be silly, Adam — it’s not a trap.

“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… Admiral Ackbar received a deep space transmission of SEC coverage.”

Thus begins the story of Ole Miss Ackbar on the website promoting his bid to become the Rebels’ new mascot, replacing Colonel Reb, who was retired from usage in 2003. And like the website says, why wouldn’t the students at the University of Mississippi choose an admiral over a colonel?

When you think of all the possibilities surrounding the admiral, the choice is a no-brainer. Especially if they become the Ole Miss Rebel Alliance.

First, the music.

Mississippi’s other source of controversy lately has been the song, “From Dixie With Love.” More specifically, the chant of “the South will rise again” during the song is deemed offensive, much like Colonel Reb himself.As a replacement for this song, Ole Miss could play the surprisingly catchy “Cantina Song” from Star Wars during games.

Second, the costume.

If the people in charge at Ole Miss put up enough money, they could get the original costume from “Return of the Jedi,” which would bring to their games thousands of Star Wars fans (read: nerds) who would not otherwise attend a sporting event. Think about how much money that would generate.

Finally, the catchphrase.

It would fit perfectly with so much sports terminology. Just imagine if the other team in a basketball game starts trapping on defense, head coach Andy Kennedy would yell, “It’s a trap!” The possibilities are endless.

Replacing a mascot like Colonel Reb, which has so much history behind it, is a difficult thing to do. The mascot must have a catchy name, yet not be offensive, like the previous leader of the Rebels. For that reason, Admiral Ackbar will rise again, and the Ole Miss Rebel Alliance will become a force in the Southeastern Conference.